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It's gut check time again. If you are not ready to explore your inner feelings and beliefs...leave now...don't read another word! AS ALWAYS YOU'VE BEEN WARNED------ PART VI- Raising your kids You know back in the day, Big Mama (Nanny, Nanna, Grandma, or what ever you called her)...and Pops (PaPa, or Grand Pa) set the rules for how to raise your kids. Often they worked all day and still came home cook, clean, and play super hero. From then until now, many of the things that they taught us about raising our kids are still with us. You see, when times were bad...Big Mama sometimes took the kids with her to help clean or do yard work in the "white folks" house. And those kids had to be perfect angels. While she took cares of other folks kids, her own children needed to remain under absolute control so she didn't get fired. Even at home, her kids needed to learn thier place. Grand Pa was no better, his brand of love was at the end of a leather belt or extension cord. He was the rule enforcer. Get out of line...loss a pound of flesh. Spare the rode spoil the child: Beatings, "whupings", getting cursed-out, pinched, slapped, punched, grabbed in the chest, stomped, mushed, back-handed, knocked-out, choked, and many more...this was how we treated our children. For most of us the hard days of Big Mama and PaPa are long behind us. But the one thing that I hear most often from members of our ethnic group is the difference between the things we allow our children to do...and what our ethnic groups allow their kids to get away with. Why are we still treating our kids like we don't want to get fired from our house cleaning job? When we seek to control our children's behavior in public is that a carry-over from days long gone? Are we stiffling our childrens growth by teaching them that when in the company of "white folks" they need to be well-behaved? Are we abusing our children? What are your thoughts?
Posted By: Dr. Ahmad Glover
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 10:41PM
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I agree with you. We talk ruff to our children, and than when they go to school we don't understand why they are not responding to me nice white lady teacher, they are not used to being spoken to with respect.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:00PM
sonya narcisse
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Without question the intervention of social services and the Federal Governments insistence on mandating the "rules" of corporal punishment have slowly taken their toll on the ability of parents to discipline their children correctly. I cannot remember who first brought it to my attention but it seems that once schools became integrated then white parents were so fearful of their children being disciplined by black teachers that they ensured there was enough lobbying in congress to make corporal punishment in schools taboo, even though it worked for every previous generation in the world. It's just like the End of Grade Exams they give to children today which inhibit educators from teaching children the way they need to be taught and replaced their efforts with standardized tests. It is all a collective effort to dumb down and disconnect parents from their children in the ghetto, where children are the most vulnerable. That's my opinion and of course I could be wrong.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:06PM
Curly Morris
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I think we are strict with our children because we know the consequences for them if they grow up undisciplined. The harsh reality is that the world will cut them no breaks. There's no shortage of bad influences that are waiting beyond our doorstep, so we try to keep our kids as grounded as possible.
When the little Caucasian child throws a tantrum in the store, it reflects poorly on his parents. When the Black child throws a tantrum, it reflects poorly on an entire race. That's heavy...
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:10PM
Jon C.
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Our generation has changed, one is a grandmother at 45 and pop's is no longer in the home. So the disciplinarian is missing. Our kids are being raised by kids. Kids now a days are being cursed at, their seeing different men in and out of the home. These kids at a young age are exposed to a lot of confusion. Are they really to blame? They didn't ask to be here. But the way they are being treated is definitely a form of abuse.
Etana
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:14PM
Etana Busara
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like to add good point by Jonathan " When the Black child throws a tantrum, it reflects poorly on an entire race." I second that.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:17PM
Etana Busara
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Wow! Etana...what effect do you think kids raising kids will have on our babies?
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:17PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover
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Jonathan...DEEP!
Is that too much of a burden for a 5 year old? When do we start to judge us by us?
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:19PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover
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Well, clearly look at the effect now, it's not going to get better simply worse. It's a continuation of a bad cycle. Future drop outs, future kids locked in a system that is designed to keep them down, future young men in prison, future babies having babies. When does it end. That's why we have to put action where our mouth is.
We need to start doing something but what?
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:22PM
Etana Busara
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It is so true that our children represent an entire race and are not just a reflection of the parent (s) that are responsible for raising them.
Etana, this is not the only generation of children that have been cursed at. One of the biggest differences is that it appears that there is no balance. Alot of today's children only get one side of treatment. The other generations were also exposed to love, care and compassion.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:26PM
Marquerite Burgess
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I propose we allow our babies to explore their world. Give them love and guidelines...but STOP teaching them by poor example. Kids are 10 times more likely to do what they see you do than follow what you tell them to do. If we beat them...they become violent. If they see s*x in the home...they become s*xually active. Then we blame them for learning the lessons that we taught...GO FIGURE.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:27PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover
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Dr. Glover,
You have a good topic on parenting! The rule of thumb is to do no harm and to teach the child that there are certain rules of how to behave in different environments. (The question for parents is what are those environments in which behavior must be modified?) Is it school, religious institution (church), playground, or around certain types or groups of people? That is why parenting is important!
That is why I tell my 11 year old the importance of acting differently in the south around her family than when she acts around her relatives in Florida. Both sets are Black, but they have different behavioral expectations. Lest, she is viewed as being rude to that cultural expectation. The expectations of one culture demand different behavior around another culture. Yes and no may not work with Big Moma. Sometimes you may have to say a yes ma'am or a no sir during the visit.--JH
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:29PM
Dr. Jesse Hargrove
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Thank you Margueritte good point! I just angry sometimes with the results I do see.
Etana
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:30PM
Etana Busara
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Your welcome Etana. I get upset with some of the results that I see also.
Wednesday, August 6th 2008 at 11:52PM
Marquerite Burgess
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Great topic! My only comment would be that we carry the spirit of the message that Big Momma and Big Daddy instilled in us and adjust to our current environment on rearing on children. Besides, at the end of the day all that really matters is that we empower our children with tools that will sustain them for life to not be victims to this world but Conquerors...
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 1:06AM
Willie Gregory
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Wow deep subject! I personally understand this! Let me first start off I was raised in the type of home that my father didn't play! There was no back talk, no rolling of the eyes no sucking teeth! You better answer with no sir yes sir, or maam. Today are you kiding me! If you punish your child you risk child abuse! you have these young 21 year old social workers telling you how to raise your child and they don't even have any!
But then the impact is lowered moral values, baby's making baby's! Then you wonder why all these white kids commit suicide! It sure is reported on more than black suicides. The days of core old school family values are gone, I have never expected my kids to act differently around white people, I have encouraged them to be themselves.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 4:36AM
Russell Penman
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Wow deep convo here! There is a difference between 'beating' and spanking. If you do not discilpline a child at all they will become not only spoiled but uncontrollable. A child needs to know how to respect authority and the parents are the first authority they encounter. Then they must be presented with the Word and taught about God's authority. The problems we have today... with all races of young people is lack of discipline. There are many young people with cars, phones and laptops and having s*x before they are even 16. These type of kids have been spoiled and treated as if they are grown when they are not. A parent becomes an enabler when they fail to discipline their child. This is crippling in the long run. Once they are really an adult they won't know how to handle the harsh realities of the 'world's' discipline which is much worse than a smack on the hand or leg, or a time out in the corner or a 1 week punishment etc.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 8:19AM
Devan Green
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I think respect plays a large role in this as well. Children these days don't have respect for anything or anyone. Respect is not something that can be beaten into a person. Children, in deed, mimic what they see, and they see their parents, who don't display respect for themselves. I believe this goes back to babies having babies. But at some point we need to be taught respect. And, the fact is, if the children don't see respect at home, they definitely will not display respect outside of the home. And, this is where the problems occur.
If the young woman has respect for her body, then she will treat it as such. If the young man has respect for himself, then he will respect women. We need to get back to the fundamental issue of respect for ourselves and our fellow individual.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 9:50AM
MONA HILL
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Um....no. I am irritated beyond the telling of it every time I am out in public and I see badly behaved children of ANY race acting up, talking back to their parent, and generally being a nuisance. Teaching your children manners and how to behave properly in public is called DISCIPLINE, not abuse. There is nothing wrong with teaching children to behave with dignity and respect. And there is nothing cute about spoiled children.
And yes, too many people still EXPECT bad behavior from black children. Just because white people want to let their little spoiled brats run wild does not mean that we have to let our kids do the same to keep white people from talking about us - they're going to do that anyways. Not tolerating bad behavior does not have to mean "speaking rough" to our kids. Our focus should be on raising OUR children the way that we know is right, which is NOT to be spoiled brats running wild.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 10:08AM
taylor reeves
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i dont have any kids. but i work with them everyday at my job! and i also see how their parents inteact with them. its is soo harsh how some parents talk to their children and think that they are actually doing them a favor. children shouldnt b talked to lik adults and then parents have the nerve to wonder why their kids "act grown" what an idiot!!
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 11:28AM
Selyna Buie
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Proverbs 27:6;"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it"
Proverbs 13:24; "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."
As I am maturing and growing into the young woman that God would have me to be, I am becoming more appreciative to my parents for putting into action, the two Scriptures that are listed above. As a young woman, a big sister to my little brother, and a mentor to my high school basketball team and just a student at the college I attend, I honestly believe that the importance of incorporating Christian principles into a child's life is very essential to the way that he or she will grow to be a young adult. Some people ask "why?" when they see a child of any race, act as if they have no home training...I like to think of it as a result of robbing that child of, in my opinion, an essential tool to make in this world. Check it out, Proverbs 1:7, "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction." What are we giving our children?, (I don't have any children, but nieces, nephews, little sisters I coach, and my brother are my "children"),What do they see us do? What do they here us say? How are we showing them how to live? I always tell my little brother, "They SEE you before they HEAR you"...As it pertains to the adult figure, that child in your home see's everything that you do...If what you are telling as far as right and wrong is contrary to your actions, then that child will not be as receptive to what you are telling them, as opposed to you telling them and living it. The point of all that...It starts at home. Whatever we give them at home, that's what they are going to take with them.
I don’t know about any of you, but when prayer was taken out the school system, that was the beginning of the down spiral of all children. I wrote a technical paper on this subject with statistics supporting my claim if any are interested in reading the content.
Basically, as far as youth in today’s world, as a young person myself, there is a need for God in the lives of His heritage. A word for young adults, those of us that are still acting like “children”; those of us that still have that “I don’t want to do anything” or “My parents got me” etc. attitude, Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things”. It is time that we start acting like real men and women that are devoted to making something of ourselves. But parents, this can’t happen if we are not taught how to live, what to do right as it is written in the Bible, then we will remain in those mentalities. Don’t expect us (youth) to do things that we were not taught. Don’t expect us to be successful if we were not given what it takes to gain TRUE success, that being morals and godly character.
The point is…live the truth…speak the truth…be the truth.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 12:18PM
Chasity DeLoney
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So is it okay to beat them if they are 15 and under?
And by the way...what's the difference between spanking and beating?
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 2:48PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover
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So called, bad kids, learn that behavior from bad environments. I work in a suburbian elementary school. Overwhelmingly, it's the black kids who (mostly black boys) who are sent to the principal's office and/or expelled from school. One reason is because there are teachers who don't have enough patience. But the biggest reason is because many of our children are 'acting out' in ways that are antisocial. They behave at school, the way they are taught, by environment, at home. One good example, last year, centered around this 5 year old kindegarten student. He would curse you, me, his teacher and principals in a way that was as refined as a 35 year old man could. Our children are in peril. It's being caused by the adults in the families they're born in to.
Thursday, August 7th 2008 at 10:40PM
g smallwood
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Those are my exact words for my kids before we walk into the store! LOL! On a more serious note, we have changed from back in the day as far as how we raise our kids. My dad could silence us with a look and thank God I have the same ability. My children have been raised to know how to carry themselves in or out of my sight. Back in the day we could get beat down at school by our parents and the teacher would politely shut her door. Now we have to worry about catching a child abuse case. We even used to get swats! (I remember you Mr. Powell!) If we really stepped out of line my dad also had this 2x4 he called "the stick" that sucked up your cheeks through these holes and left a sting you could feel for days! I rarely have to physically reprimand my children but they understand that just like Madea I will beat the stuffing out of them if I have to!
Friday, August 8th 2008 at 12:04AM
ReJeana Turner
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Etana, We as a proud people will survive this, just as we always have. It is hardship that unites us every time. example, before it was the husband of the Black home that could not live with his family if he need government help.This caused my generation ask the same question you just asked at about your age.
Today it is the younge mother who must not be allowed to continue in the home (to continue heer social and educational trainings,if she wants/needs to be able to get proper: health care, clothes to buy her new born cloths, food ,rent needed. The father's loss of employment back then and needing help from taxes he paid before loosing his job not different.Today it is not directed at father but child. That "child" who may have never had a decent paying job. Social welfare has be as devistating on the African-American as drugs. It takes away twhat use to be unity in turning to the church, each other, etc for what we need. So sister Etana,do not give up for all of the reasons I just gave you. O.K.? This is not the first time we as a people have faced this in my life time so please trust me when, "I say this to shall pass".
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
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Every time I see (you know whose children)being bribed to "put that back!!!" having given up on trying to get them to do so in the store;and not happening in the same store with "you know whose's children" I know we are doing something right.(smile) at this as I do every time I see these bribes happening as they are ignored also.
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA
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