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Are You My Daddy? (2487 hits)

It's gut check time again. Same rules: If you are not ready to explore your inner feelings and beliefs...leave now...don't read another word!

AS ALWAYS YOU'VE BEEN WARNED
------ Part VIII- The Black Family

I received a request from Mr. Madison on response to the Blog about Black Gangs. Roger requested a Blog about the Black Family and how to fix our problem.

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“Dr. Glover,
You asked what should be done about the Black Family. Of course, a very complex set of dynamics have combined to create our current situation. However, we have to accept a few "value propositions" in order to agree on what we are trying to accomplish. There are some things we must reject, and some things we must accept, so that we understand where we are and agree on where we are headed.

We have to reject the notion that "baby daddies" and "baby mammas" can be strong families -- even if the child support payments are being made. I have heard single mothers proclaim, "I want to be a good mother for my bab(ies)." And I have heard absentee fathers declare, "I want to be a good father for my child(ren)." In our increasingly complex world, children need "strong families" to guide them through their developmental years -- not wishful expressions from ill-prepared baby mamas and baby daddies.

So, what is a family? We have to accept that a natural family is comprised of the biological mother and father of children living together with their children as a unit. This unit is the foundation of civilized society. Children can survive in other conditions , but they thrive and do best in a natural family unit.

Here are a few examples of what natural family units can do better than single parent environments:
- They can provide balanced nurturing in infancy that provides security and safety for children.
- They can provide early examples of role models that shape children's worldview.
- They can help a child develop self-esteem and confidence in their preschool years that instills the confidence to interact with other children.
- They can provide children with a male and female perspective that helps them to relate to other adults in their environment outside the home.
- They can provide discipline and training, and teach children about expectations in the broader society outside the home.
- They can provide an accelerated learning environment while sharing the duties required to maintain a home for the family.
- They can provide refuge, wisdom, and love to give children a sense of belonging.

Most importantly, natural family units can provide these and other needs better when children need them most -- in their formative years before school.

If we can agree that natural family units are better than alternatives, we can begin to discuss actions. Of course, there are many circumstances that lead to less than perfect family units. There are countless examples of children who reach adulthood as productive citizens who have come from broken homes. However, the overwhelming evidence before us indicates that our children are suffering from a harmful burden of growing up in a world where 70% are living in single-parent homes headed by women.

I propose that a new blog should be started with the objective of identifying and working toward reversing the trend of destroying natural family units, and re-establishing natural family units as the norm. Anything less spells doom for our children, and further decline in our communities. Unless strong families are present, we will become victims of gangs, drug dealers, criminals, and our own self-destruction.
Posted Friday, August 15th 2008 at 5:15AM
Roger Madison”

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Well Roger, I 100% agree!

A few years ago I was asked to speak to a group about residual income stuff. As part of these type speaking engagements, folks like to get a copy of your bio. This particular one has a little questionnaire that you answered. As my wife and I read over the questions, she laughed and asked me…”Okay…of all the stuff you’ve done…what has been your greatest accomplishment to date”. Well anyone who knows me knows that Ahmad is always on the move. I don’t have time to bask in what I’ve done because there is still so much to do. So I really had to sit back and think about the question.

Just when I was about to blurt something out…I heard the answer at the other end of the hallway. I heard my little girl tell her younger brother to sit down so she could help him.

That’s it I thought…”my greatest accomplishment is the human lessons I teach these babies”. I’ve heard may people say that their greatest accomplishment is their kids. For me, I think the lessons that you teach your child(ren), or the way you positively prepare them for the “real-world” is your great gift. This gift is a gift to them, from them, and for the world.

So how do we make things better? We try harder!

I know thugs…REAL-GANSTERS…not BET wannabees …who love their kids. I break bread with real men who have gone to prison for 12 years (this happened) to take a charge for their son. Even though they live in absolute chaos, these brothers know that the babies are the future. And they believe in the adage of put up or shut up!

I have sat (at my home) with gangsters who think they are protecting their hoods and children (to include all the children in their hood) the best way they can. Please know that at their root, these are some of the most noble men you will ever meet.

If we simple reach out to these folks, we will see that their family values are not far from our own. We need to try harder to open the lines of communications. We need to try harder to understand the hood n*gga’s story…how he/she got to where they are now. We need to try harder to help…when and if we can. We need to try harder to reassess our own values and close-mindedness.

I would bet that if I took a survey, most if not all of you would say that you are willing to DIE FOR YOUR CHILD(REN)?
So why not live for them too…even when times get rough? Is that dude so bad that he has to get out of your house…even if his staying with you is best for your child(ren)?

Okay Brother…you wanna call yourself a MAN…act like one! Is dipping your wick more important than your little girl or little man’s future? Who do you want to teach your 13 years old daughter about s*x and protecting her body…YOU…or Ray-Ray? Cause Ray-Ray wants to do it…if you punk out!

Would you rather teach little man about the importance of school and how to flirt with girls or the local pedophile who is on the lookout for fatherless boys? Don’t get mad at me for keeping it real with you! Your punk ass left your babies to the wolves…not me.

We need to try harder to be more than just words…lies! We need to call folks out. My friends and associates know that I am going to ask about your family. If you give me some dumb answer, expect to get called on it…in public. If your babies aren’t eating or wearing the fly cloths, but you are… expect for me to embarrass you. But I’m just one dude.

Real brothers (real ballers/shot callers that don’t sweat all day on a court) need to try harder to show these fakes and lames the difference between a man and a boy trying to be a man. Real men (thugs and gangsters included) need to call out jokers who ain’t doing the right thing to support their families.

How do we make it better…there should be no shelter in our Black in America family for a boy-man who doesn’t support their babies That means providing time, money, love, attention, discipline, education, mentor, etc. Every time they look up, we should be challenging them on their behavior and letting it be known …”this dude is a lame…his little girl hasn’t seen him in 6-months…get out of here chump…go see lil Michelle”.

Once we reestablish the holistic family needs of our community as part of our norms..we will all be a better people.

What are your thoughts?
What can be done…be specific?
If I’m wrong…call me out!

Posted By: Dr. Ahmad Glover
Friday, August 15th 2008 at 11:07AM
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Dr. Glover, I agree with you whole heartedly. But I'm with you, what can be done? See, I'm that mother that's raising my children without any support at all from their fathers. I have 3 boys (10 and 2 year old twins). I tried being the strong woman and putting up with the womanizing and laziness for the sake of the kids, but eventually enough became enough and we HAD to go our seperate ways. Of course I heard the famous line "I'll still be there to take care of my kids" but my 10 year old hasn't seen his father in 10 years and the twins haven't seen their father in over a year and neither of them provide any financial support. I keep the lines of communication open, I try not to show my frustration during conversations but all I get are excuses. I would love to get participation from their fathers to help my children grow (mentally, physically and financially) but I wont beg for it. I would rather work as hard as I can and do without (which I've done on many occassions) to make sure my childen have the things they need and some of what they want then try to convince the man that's "supposed" to be their father that he needs to step up to the plate. So what do I do?

I didn't want to file for child support because then I'm being difficult (in their eyes) but I recently opened a case. I've always believed that as grown adults (parents) we could work at raising our children without involving the court system but after excuse after excuse and months of no communication, I felt it was time for them to be held accountable. Was I wrong?
Friday, August 15th 2008 at 7:22PM
Kim Knowles

Of course you were not wrong!!

You have to do what's best for those boys. We (the rest of us) have to start treating these no good suckers...like no good suckers.

One of the first things a sister should ask her new man is.."what is your relationship with your kids?" And don't fall for the BS...tell the dude (during the dating period) "bring your son/daughter over". See how they are with their kids.

In your case, I pray that in the upcoming years...Black folks get to a point were we call these jerks out. We should laugh at clowns...and these dudes are clowns. As a community we must begin to force these boy-men to grow up/ step up!

Because when they don't step up the rest of us have to pay!
Friday, August 15th 2008 at 7:47PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover

Believe me, if I could have avoided the court system I would have but I'm tired of being nice to them. But I have to ask, what is calling them out and laughing at them going to do? I'm all for finding a solution to this problem and will do my part to make sure these situations don't continue to happen in the future. What's the first step?
Saturday, August 16th 2008 at 10:57AM
Kim Knowles

Calling them out changes this norm within our ethnic culture.

As long as we don't talk about and demean it...we accept this poor behavior.

For example: Black folks started wearing seat belts (well some black folks) when other Black folks stopped letting them ride with them without a seat belt on. If we wish to change something...we have to first acknowledge that it exists. Next we need to decide if we are for or against. Then we take action.
I am suggesting that since we already know that not supporting your children is wrong...we take the step of changing this from an accepted behavior into something to be ashamed of as a man. You do that by making them (and others) aware that their poor behavior is not accepted (not normal). By reshaping the norms…we can create the environment were poor behavior can become self/peer-correcting.

But I have to ask you…do these men have other kids?
If so, how are they with those kids? Did you know about their behaviors before you had kids with them?

Saturday, August 16th 2008 at 11:38AM
Dr. Ahmad Glover

A thought for Kim - your children deserve to have support from their father. Not only will he child support allow you to provide a better life for your kids, it will also help teach your children that men should take care of their children. Maybe when your boys become men and have children of their own they will remember that lesson and support their own kids, both physically and financially.

In a perfect world both parents would be available and present in their childs life. But you know and I also know, being a single parent of a son, that it does not always happen. So we have to reach out to family and friends for their support. Put that "it takes a village" thing into action. We can show our kids that even though "daddy" is not around, we are a family and we will make it work. It worked for us.
Saturday, August 16th 2008 at 9:20PM
E Wiggins

As I reflect on the comments in this blog, I see three recurring themes:
The first, "Call the baby daddies out, and get them to MAN UP!"
The second, "Let's hear it one more time for mothers raising their children mostly alone."
The third, in black relationships, the drama is off the charts -- infidelity, irresponsibility, disrespect and confrontation. Where is the love and togetherness and joint striving build families?

These are pathologies that are the product of disonant behaviors -- behaviors that are working against one another. The points of intervention that are sought tend to be when the relationships are in the crisis stages. Often, the only options available tend to be separation and greater obstacles to building families.

There are two paths to builing strong families, Path A and Path B.

Path A is what I call the iealistic path. Most long term marriages, and strong families follow this path. On this path, a man and a woman engage in a responsible relationship that has as its goal a marriage for life. If the partner is determined not to be committed to that goal, the relationship is terminated before hostilities, or children. Each party is then free to pursue their respective goals -- no harm, no foul. But when the goals are the same, then the two parties make a " lifetime covenant commitment" to each other to reach those goals. The most important element of this commitment is to provide a better future for the children no matter what sacrifices need to be made. This journey along Path A is strewn with hardship, pain, some sins and forgiveness, reward and success. The journey is based on the singular unshakable prinicple that the unity of the family is paramount to producing the stated goal of a better future for the children. I have been following Path A with my wife for 42 years. We have two (married) children and two grandchildren, so far. I would say that their future is better than ours.

Path B is the recovery path. What these two paths must have in common is a " lifetime covenant commitment" to a relationship that can build a better future for the children. Along Path B, however, is recovery from painful relationships, distrust, poor decisions, and one or more unsuccessful attempts at building a family based on the principle of a "lifetime covenant commitment" to the husband and wife.
The recovery path is much more difficult. The most challenging aspect is that those who recover, most often have to build "blended families" comprised of the fruit of previous failed efforts. Still, the goal of a better future for the children is at the core of the covenant relationship.

Let me say this before the attacks start. What I a speaking about here is the path back to an ideal, a "natural family unit." It takes one man and one woman to form the bond that creates a child. That is a natural family unit. The father may leave, the couple may divorce, mothers and fathers may have multiple children with multiple partners. But these are behaviors that are unnatural in my opinion. The result of these behaviors is that what I believe is unnatural has become "normal". this leaves 70% of our children going to school each day from single parent homes headed by women. Where are the fathers of these children? And how can we build strong families with these dyamics?

Can more of us find our way back to the ideal of a "natural family?" I believe that the answer is yes. But the dialogue needs to be centered around the goal. We can talk more about ways to deal with the challenges along the way. This isn't easy for those who have the option to take Path A, or those who must recover an follow Path B. Let's talk about your questions and offer some straight answers.
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 3:22AM
Roger E Madison Jr

Dr. Glover - I am with you 100%! Yes, they both have other children. I was able to see the relationships with these kids before my kids came along. They both have girls. My 10 year old's dad would do anything for his girls. So when I became pregnant, I thought he would be there for my son. The father of the twins knew he was slacking off with his girls but had become more active and supportive with them...let me ask you this, I live in a different state than my kids fathers, do you think that has something to do with it?

Ms. Wiggins, I completely agree, it does take a villiage. I'm fortunate to have a few close friends that I lean on for emotional support during those times when I feel like this is overwheling. But you know, it's always during one of those moments that one of my boys will come to me, not say a word, look me in my eye and either give me a hug or a kiss. Those are the times that I cherish. They also remind me of what I get up and fight for everyday.

Monday, August 18th 2008 at 10:30AM
Kim Knowles