by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters
I can only imagine how difficult it is for today’s black women. As my mama would tell me, “You have to work twice as hard to get half as far.” And black women have to work even harder.
I’ll be the very first to give a sister her props for shining brightly and for earning the well deserved paycheck to match.
That’s why a few studies I came across recently seem so disheartening. According to Christen Munsch, a researcher at Cornell University, men are much more likely to cheat when their partners make more money than them. The men may feel emasculated by their smaller paychecks leading them to stray s*xually.
Just as disturbing, a study in the October issue of the Journal of Family Issues found that women who earned more than their husbands were almost 40% more likely to divorce than their lesser earning female counterparts.
It’s hard enough for professional woman nowadays – why should they be penalized in the bedroom for their success in the boardroom (or office, hospital, etc) ?
Can men handle financially successful women? The male ego is a very fragile thing. How many brothers died stepping on another man’s shoes or showing some other form of “disrespect” ? Should our relationships be another casualty of the male ego?
I know from experience that egos drive us men from an early age. We compete incessantly to try to out class, out sport, and out womanize the competition. And in the chest thumping, testosterone filled male world the ultimate scoreboard is frequently financial. The playa with the most money is alpha dog.
Imagine then the hit that the fragile male ego takes when it runs smack upside a women who has it all together in every way, with a paycheck to prove it. A women who heaven forbids makes more money than him. For some it may be too much to handle.
But before we jump all over men and their ego driven inability to deal with financially successful women, we should ask ourselves, are women total blameless? Do they unwittingly contribute to the financial castration of their men?
Burned with the pain of rejection, abuse, and infidelity, how many mothers, grandmothers, or aunts have reprimanded their daughters to never be dependent on a man? Ya gotta have your own money, honey is the saying.
How many daughters are being raised to believe they don’t need a man for anything. Some (not all mind you) become so accustomed to taking charge of their education, well-being, and finances that they enter relationships like bulls in a china shop.
I remember vividly my involvement with one woman, a budding physician who told me point blank “I wear the pants in this relationship.” Now what possessed a sister to say such a thing, I’ll never know. No doubt she’d been driven her entire life – in charge of everything. She was intent on having her relationship the same way. It goes without saying we didn’t last long and I wish her luck finding a man who let’s her wear the pants.
While some women fall to the superwoman “I can do everything by myself” syndrome, I and many of my friends have run across plenty of women who fall prey to the closely related “boss” syndrome. It only makes sense. An all together sister raking in the large paycheck is frequently in a position of authority. In her line of work she may set the rules, direct the staff, provide direction and criticism to female and male colleagues alike, and in some cases do the firing.
The problem is when professional life and personal life blur. A women used to directing men on the job, correcting their work, critiquing their decisions may forget to drop the “boss” hat when she crosses the front door.
Disparities in salaries shouldn’t tear at the fabric of loving relationships. Women making the paper should have the right to enjoy successful, loving relationships just like any other sister. This is all more important in the Black community. The education gap, and subsequent earnings gap, between black men and women has skyrocketed over the last decade.
Brothers need to understand the ugly warped creatures our egos turn into. As our elders sometimes tell us “Boy, it’s time to put your ego in check.” As men we should stop viewing the loves of our lives as rivals. Our women are not the homeboys we need to impress. They’re not the ones we should be trying to outdo. Love is not a competition, financially or otherwise. As Ronnie Tyler so eloquently put it a recent post – It’s about We, not Me.
Likewise women, we realize you have to wage battle to get ahead in the world, but when you come home you shouldn’t treat your man like the opposing army. Home should be a place where the armor comes off. Yes you may have to prove your intellectual and financial competence to the rest of the world, but shouldn’t have to prove it to your man. And no man wants to be treated like one of his wife’s subordinates.
BMWK, are men intimidated by financially successful women? Do you think relationships where the women earns the larger share of the money can work?
Over the next few weeks you’ll get great weekly insight and tips on managing your greenbacks by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters of MochaMoney.com so be sure to check back.
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Monday, October 18th 2010 at 8:50AM
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