By: Phuong K. Schuetz
Marriage can be excruciatingly tough, and there were seasons when I wondered if I should call it quits and get a divorce. Today, my husband Scott and I have a strong marriage and a united sense of purpose—but it wasn't always this way.
Blindsided
I met my husband, Scott, when I was 23 and he was 21. He was a believer and he introduced me to Jesus. We dated seven years and thought we knew each other well when we married in June 2001. But in reality? We didn't. Sure we knew each other's quirks, likes, and dislikes, but we had no clue on how to do this thing called marriage. I came to my husband with loads of luggage and, although he was aware of the pain in my past, we hadn't truly considered how it would impact our marriage.
I was also pretty ignorant about the spiritual aspect of marriage. I didn't really know what it meant to make a lifelong commitment. Because I didn't know what God intended for the covenant of marriage, I couldn't fully comprehend the vows I was making to my husband and to God. As a result, I entered into marriage with unclear and unrealistic expectations, and I was blindsided by what marriage demanded.
Our first year of marriage was extremely difficult. Scott had saved himself s*xually for marriage while I had not. s*xual intimacy was a problem for us right off the bat; I still carried a lot of guilt and shame related to the s*xual sins in my past. I felt like s*x was dirty even after I was married, and I wasn't able to give myself fully to my husband.
Unrealistic expectations
Yet, even in the midst of these struggles, God was at work in my life. Over time, layer by deep layer, God began to heal me from the scars inflicted by past s*xual encounters. I was finally able to believe that being s*xually intimate with my husband is not only right but is honoring to God. My spiritual life also began to change. A few months prior to the wedding I had encountered God in a very real way during a weekend retreat. Completely overwhelmed by his presence and love for me, I began to seek God more each day. I prayed to desire more of God, fearful I might lose the real life experience I had with him. And so I began to grow.
I wanted my husband to be everything I needed him to be—and, of course, exactly when I needed him to be those things.
But while I was growing in my faith, it seemed to me that Scott was not growing alongside of me. I knew he loved God, but that didn't seem to be enough for me. He had been kind, gentle, giving, and loving since we first met, but I desired more from him. I wanted my husband to be everything I needed him to be—and, of course, exactly when I needed him to be those things. I expected him to fulfill all my emotional and spiritual needs even while I doubted his desire and ability to provide them. I didn't realize that what I wanted from him only God can provide.
As Scott failed to meet my (unrealistic) expectations, I began to doubt whether I'd made the right decision to marry—and even if I had married the right man. I found myself comparing my husband to other men whom I thought were more spiritually mature, wishing he were more like them. Because these thoughts were lurking in my mind, the idea of divorce was not lagging much further behind.
That dangerous voice
I often felt guilty for even thinking of divorce because I knew my husband was a good man and, deep down, I understood that I was extremely blessed to have him. At the same time, though, I still sensed that something was missing from our union. Married life was more work than I'd anticipated, and I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. Whenever we had disagreements or I couldn't have things my way, I'd become angry at Scott and would wait for him to change to fit my needs. The voice of doubt would echo in my mind: You married the wrong person, Phuong! ...
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Posted By: Jeni Fa
Thursday, May 15th 2014 at 3:41PM
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