The short answer?
Absolutely yes. It's interesting, too. When I've asked this question in the past or had conversations about, I notice a lot of people qualify the yes or no.
Yet, if we were asking if a woman should have equal custody rights, I'm willing to argue that there would be a resounding "YES,"
without qualification, without question, without argument. My question then becomes this: Why do men get such a hard time of it? Women want (and have, per se) equal rights in the business world, equal right at home, etc., and as well, they
should have it.
More and more, we're seeing men step up to the plate and want to actively participate in their children's lives. If a woman can go out, make a gorgeous living, be independent and do almost everything a man can do, why can a
man not be as loving or
as qualified a parent as a
mother?
So, to the question: yes, he should have equal custody rights to his children for the same reason that mothers are typically granted 'full' custody-- he's their father. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying to turn the children over to a psychopath, child molester or abuser. No one should ever release a child to such an environment,
even if those negative characteristics belong to the mother. I answer the question from the standpoint that the father is normal, loving, nurturing, providing for and taking full responsibility for his children.
Too many times, we see women who are only (and sometimes, justifiably) bitter and angry at the father and the events of their 'adult' involvement with each other. Sometimes, in her dissolution, she can take the focus off the adult decisions made by adults and tune the channel into the children and the father's sudden propensity to hurt them.
The truth in such a situation is that, yes, the children are hurt to some degree, but not to the degree that justifies him continuing a loving father to child(ren) relationship. Let's be honest. As women in relationships with men who have hurt us, and subsequently, become the fathers of our children, we can redirect our hurt, our sense of betrayal, our emotions, our recklessness and our hopelessness on those fathers and to create a false connectivity between all the hurt and turmoil he's caused
us and how
he will treat his children.
We can sometimes think that this apples and oranges situation is justification for us to dictate how and when he can see his children.
I'm just being real.
I've seen what many women have done to men who were terrible at relationships but wonderful with their children. I've seen men beg to see their children. I've seen men cry about having to jump through hoops like circus monkeys to be involved fathers. I've seen men who try to prosper and live right for the very sake of their children completely demoralized and demolished by the women they hurt.
Women and men have got to stop commingling the
adult madness and learn to step out of a situation and think about the children. Just because he didn't benefit
you doesn't mean he won't benefit his
child. Just because it didn't work out between
the two of you doesn't mean it won't work out with him and children you share.
In other words, because he hurt
you, cheated on
you, and disrespected
you does not make him a bad
father; it made him a bad husband. Father...husband-- see the difference? Those words are different and they have very different meanings.
Maybe the child needs to experience his father's laugh because when the two of
you were getting along, it's the thing that made
you feel warm inside.
Maybe the child needs to hear his
mother's voice because she's the only one who can calm him.
With so many men out there not willing to take responsibility and not at all interested in contributing to their children's welfare, we have an ultimate responsibility to fling open the doors and throw out the welcome mats to fathers who sincerely want to and even feel like they need to build loving, strong, healthy bonds with their children. Men who want to be fathers should be
allowed to be fathers. A woman is not more qualified to parent
because she is a mother. There are no perfect mothers because there are no perfect people. And that goes for fathers, too. However, being imperfect does not make you ineffective or unfit.
It makes you human. And furthermore, it's our
humanity that can make us
excellent parents.
Posted By: Dee Gray
Monday, August 11th 2008 at 2:27AM
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