Peace To All:
Almost all emotional problems indicate a lack of self-love. (Only a few very rare problems which are caused entirely by physical disease can be excluded.)
DO YOU LOVE YOURSELF?
I'm going to be giving you a lot of examples of how self-love works. Remember as you read this that nobody is self-loving all of the time.
If these examples make you realize that you do not love yourself very much today, use them to remind yourself of times when you did feel self-loving, and why you could feel that way then, and what you can do today to get back to feeling that way.
And, since we have varying degrees of self-love at different times, use this information to s-t-r-e-t-c-h yourself to be more self-loving today!
USING THE MIRROR
Here is the very best way I know of to determine whether you love yourself: The next time you are looking into a mirror, look DEEP into your own eyes (as if you can see right through to your "self").
Then notice how you feel in your body as you say "I love you." Is the statement true - or are you lying to yourself? What do you see? Self-loving people tend to see themselves as a whole when they look into a mirror.
Other people tend to see either their positive characteristics or their negative characteristics (as if that big nose or that beautiful hair or that pimple on the forehead is somehow the whole person).
Self-loving people LIKE what they see overall, despite their flaws. Others tend to like (or dislike) only their appearance - not themselves.
The Sudden Mirror:
What is your immediate reaction when you accidentally see your reflection in a storefront window? I don't care if you think the person is good looking or not. What I care about is this: If you met this person on the street, would you LIKE them?
THE BASIC PRINCIPLES OF SELF-LOVE
"Who we are is more important than what we do."
"We are valuable. Nothing can change that."
"What we want always matters."
IN RELATIONSHIPS
Since self-loving people tend to treat themselves well...
They see fun and enjoyment as a primary goal most of the time
(even when it is hard to attain).
They do not tolerate mistreatment by others.
They are caring toward others.
(It feels better to be that way.)
They never put anyone else first.
(Even those they love are "a close second.")
ABOUT MISTAKES
Self-loving people know that they often make mistakes.
Since they live their lives for the joy they can find, they do a lot of experimenting and try many new things. Since they aren't dumb (or self-destructive), these experiments work out well most of the time
- but sometimes they do go wrong.
When this happens, self-loving people are not surprised! They simply apologize if necessary, fix anything that can be fixed, and move on.....
Self-loving people are responsible, not guilty. Self-loving people don't make many excuses especially to themselves.
GOD, THE COSMOS, OR WHATEVER...
Children are born with a deep sense of their own OK-ness.
They know at birth that they are loved by God or are accepted by the cosmos. Most of us lose this wonderful sense of peace and self-acceptance somewhere along the line.
WE NEED TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE SENSE OF WELL-BEING WE HAD WHEN WE WERE BORN.
From a psychological point of view it doesn't matter at all whether we re-experience this through some organized religion, some new-age philosophy, an experience with a white light, or whatever.
What matters is that we keep pursuing this sense of well-being
until we find it!
Once we know that we are OK in this deep sense, we automatically know these other vitally important things:
That we are lovable.
That we deserve to be treated well.
That it is unnatural to refuse to take love.
That it is unnatural to refuse to give love.
That self-love does not depend on what we do.
That love is always a gift, not something we earn.
That self-hate is always an illusion.
Help Yourself Therapy
DO PEOPLE REALLY CHANGE?
Yes! Change is constant in all our lives.
THREE AREAS OF CHANGE
When we want to change we need to focus on three things:
our values, our thinking, and our feelings.
Change automatically occurs in all three areas every day,
but some changes are good, some are bad, and most are neutral.
We need to learn how to be consciously aware of our own change process
instead of remaining unaware and letting them "happen to us."
Changes in values, thinking, and feelings all happen at different rates and in different ways.
WHAT TO CHANGE
Consider changing any value, thought, or feeling which causes internal pain (like guilt or anxiety) or external pain (like arguments or problems in relationships).
CHANGING OUR VALUES
We change our values very easily, but they must be changed one at a time and we have thousands of them.
All you need to do to change a value is notice the evidence and then change your mind.
EXAMPLE:
Suppose you once thought: "Children should be seen but not heard," but you changed your mind one day when you noticed that children say many wise things.
Now your value might be: "We should listen to what children have to say."
You simply changed your mind after seeing convincing evidence.
CHANGING OUR THINKING
We change our thinking whenever we learn. For some this is easy, for others it is hard. It depends on whether we are free to learn.
Am I Free To Learn?
Ask yourself these questions:
Is it OK with me to learn about this, no matter how it comes out?
Am I willing to learn or am I trying to convince myself that I've been right all along?
Am I willing to learn or am I too invested in how I feel it "must" come out?
Example:
Most of us feel pretty strongly about abortion. The central question about abortion is: "When does life begin?" How many of us could honestly say that if this question could be answered once and for all we would be free to learn the truth?
Would we have a vested interest in thinking we were right all along?
Would we accept proof without being too invested in how we want it to come out?
CHANGING OUR FEELINGS
Changing our feelings is extremely difficult compared to the other changes.
We feel what we feel because many different experiences, accumulated over many years, have convinced us that what we feel is good for us, or even that it is needed.
When we try to change a feeling we think we are going against our own experience.
Discussion and Example:
We all know scared people, angry people, and sad people. We describe them in this way because their chronic bad feeling can be seen in almost everything they say and do. These people want to change how they feel, but how can they do it?
People with chronic bad feelings need to accumulate many, many experiences which, when taken together, outweigh the past experiences which made them feel so bad. They need to learn to look for such experiences, to invite such experiences, to notice such experiences when they happen, and to allow themselves to feel better after each of them.
You can change values, thinking, and temporary bad feelings on your own, but you'll probably need a relationship with a therapist to help you change chronic bad feelings.
BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN CHANGE
You are going to keep changing all your life.
Somebody who really knows you well should be in charge of all of this change. That's YOU!
Expect change from now on, and, as much as possible, make it go in the direction you choose!
DO PEOPLE REALLY CHANGE?
Yes! Change is constant in all our lives.
THREE AREAS OF CHANGE
When we want to change we need to focus on three things:
our values, our thinking, and our feelings.
Change automatically occurs in all three areas every day, but some changes are good, some are bad, and most are neutral.
We need to learn how to be consciously aware of our own change process
instead of remaining unaware and letting them "happen to us."
Changes in values, thinking, and feelings all happen at different rates and in different ways.
WHAT TO CHANGE
Consider changing any value, thought, or feeling which causes internal pain (like guilt or anxiety) or external pain (like arguments or problems in relationships).
CHANGING OUR VALUES
We change our values very easily, but they must be changed one at a time and we have thousands of them.
All you need to do to change a value is notice the evidence and then change your mind.
EXAMPLE:
Suppose you once thought: "Children should be seen but not heard," but you changed your mind one day when you noticed that children say many wise things.
Now your value might be: "We should listen to what children have to say."
You simply changed your mind after seeing convincing evidence.
CHANGING OUR THINKING
We change our thinking whenever we learn. For some this is easy, for others it is hard. It depends on whether we are free to learn.
Am I Free To Learn?
Ask yourself these questions:
Is it OK with me to learn about this, no matter how it comes out?
Am I willing to learn or am I trying to convince myself that I've been right all along?
Am I willing to learn or am I too invested in how I feel it "must" come out?
Would we have a vested interest in thinking we were right all along?
Would we accept proof without being too invested in how we want it to come out?
CHANGING OUR FEELINGS
Changing our feelings is extremely difficult compared to the other changes.
We feel what we feel because many different experiences, accumulated over many years, have convinced us that what we feel is good for us, or even that it is needed.
When we try to change a feeling we think we are going against our own experience.
Discussion and Example:
We all know scared people, angry people, and sad people. We describe them in this way because their chronic bad feeling can be seen in almost everything they say and do. These people want to change how they feel, but how can they do it?
People with chronic bad feelings need to accumulate many, many experiences which, when taken together, outweigh the past experiences which made them feel so bad. They need to learn to look for such experiences, to invite such experiences, to notice such experiences when they happen, and to allow themselves to feel better after each of them.
You can change values, thinking, and temporary bad feelings on your own, but you'll probably need a relationship with a therapist to help you change chronic bad feelings.
Posted By: Siebra Muhammad
Friday, November 18th 2011 at 11:33AM
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