By Black Love And Marriage.com on June 11, 2012
In Conflict Management
By Mrs. Hill
When my daughter was born, my husband kept doing things wrong: picking her up from the wrong side, folding wraps the wrong way, not being fast enough, deserting me too often when I was stuck with her in the bedroom breastfeeding. So I started yelling at him, he was avoiding me and it made me even more angry and frustrated, we were too tired to discuss things so I would explode from time to time and he would try to avoid me escaping to computer games, shops or friends. Vicious circle, downward spiral…
In other respects we were fine, we would still have fun and take care of our girl and be ecstatic that we are parents of such a bright child. When my daughter was around 5 months old, my husband realized that this pattern of communication became my new way of treating him and so he made a sarcastic remark that made me stop. Instantly. I have never relapsed to this style because his sarcastic comment made me realize that the educated, smart, beautiful mother and wife just should not degrade to this style of communication. He is usually very gentle with me and it made me realize that I have overstepped all sorts of boundaries. I am so grateful to him for this sarcastic remark, probably it saved us at the time.
So if you yell at your husband, children, cat, yourself. Just stop it. It is not you. It cannot be you. The real woman lives in peace with herself and everybody around. How come such a beautiful woman who can read and write and has achieved so much in life is degrading to yelling?
What is worse than yelling? Abuse: physical and emotional which most often starts with yelling.
So, you do not yell?
Sorry, it can be even worse. Have you ever heard of families where they never yell, they are fine and then they divorce. Turns out they were the most miserable in their marriage and you would have never even picked it up because they were able to put up such a good performance in public.
Weird. Not. Yelling is just one way of expressing frustration and anger.
What are other ways?
* Snide remarks
* Criticism
* Nagging
* Irritability
* Sour face in a mild scenario and depression in severe cases
For a man, all these are just a manifestation of his inability to make his wife happy. When he cannot make his wife happy, he avoids her, as it reminds him he is a loser. Does anybody want to be a loser?
Can you be unhappy? Yes, you have all rights to be unhappy in some cases. And you have all rights to tell him that you are unhappy. Do you have to yell while doing that? No. do you have to have a sour puss mask for him to get the point? No. He will be just thinking that his wife is a sour puss.
What would the Ninja Wife do?
There are so many solutions to it!
One solution is positive reinforcement, come on, we use it very patiently with kids and dogs! Husbands are much more sophisticated and they will get the point faster than a puppy. That if they give us a lot of flowers, and we are happy, they will give us even more flowers. Goes with anything. Most of the time, it is one and only solution you need. If you master it, you should not need anything else.
Other solution is asking for an advice. Yes, you are the real woman and you are strong and you know everything and you do not need his advice. But you were attracted to this man because he is smart and deserving. So, let him demonstrate it all. Instead of nagging that you do not have enough of money, just tell him that you would like to increase the income of the family and brainstorm together how it can be resolved. He will offer you millions of solutions and you will be both empowered.
Yet another solution would be to accept his little weaknesses and allow him to be a human, because you love him so much that these things are just not worth fighting over.
If what irritates you is a habit, you can explain that it is really hard for you to accept it and it is not the best habit for a man who is so perfect otherwise. If he forgets to greet you when he comes back home, you can introduce a fine for every time he enters the house and does not kiss you.
Create your own way but please do not degrade to nagging, yelling and putting down your husband with snide remarks.
Mrs. Hill has been married for 6 years and is committed to shedding a positive on marriage. You can read more of her work at
NINJA WIFE.COM
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Tuesday, June 12th 2012 at 2:42PM
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