Have you ever woken up beside your spouse and realized you didn’t want to be there? Marriage can be difficult. Trying to figure out how to relate and love for as long as you both shall live can seem like a daunting task, especially if you’re carrying bitterness toward your spouse. But it can also be daunting when you’ve grown familiar.
As you live, you change. I’m not the same woman my husband married 12 years ago. I’d like to think in some ways I’ve matured, but even many of my interests have changed. I’ve had children, so my body has definitely changed. Even my temperament has changed as we’ve experienced more trials in our growing together. I’m still me to the core, but I’m also different. Because of the familiarity we feel in marriage, it takes intentional effort to stay close as each person changes.
Two Sinners, One Union
You might not even realize you no longer know the person you married all those years ago. Remember the time when you couldn’t wait to learn more about your spouse? You’d stay up late on the phone and linger as you’d say goodbye—you didn’t want the conversation to end! In marriage, the wonder and excitement comes and goes, but what my husband, Thern, and I discovered is that when we have a concentrated time of sharing, some of those “warm fuzzies” come rushing back.
I think Tim Keller’s chapter “Loving the Stranger” in his book The Meaning of Marriage captures this tension well. There isn’t necessarily anything pulling you away from your spouse, such as adultery or a difficult or trying circumstance; it’s either that you realize you married a sinner or you’ve simply grown apart. Perhaps you’ve been married for several years, and as you’ve changed you’ve become distant, operating more like a business transaction or company than a couple in a deeply loving marriage.
Keller says that you’re likely to respond in various ways when this happens:
If your purpose in marriage was to acquire a “soul mate”—a person who would not change you and would supportively help you reach your life goals—then this particular reality of marriage will be deeply disorienting. You wake up to the realization that your marriage will take a huge investment of time just to make it work. Just as distressing will be the discovery that your spouse finds you a stranger and has begun to confront you with a list of your serious shortcomings. Your first response will be to tell yourself you made a bad choice and failed to find someone truly compatible.
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Posted By: Jeni Fa
Friday, February 12th 2016 at 10:48AM
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