This time of year isn't "merry" for me. It hasn't been for quite some time. You see, I had a daughter. Her name was "crowned with laurels and consecrated to God" (Lauren Elisabeth) which tells me (now) that she was never mine to begin with, but that doesn't ease the suffering. The day the Olympic Games began, would have been her 16th birthday (8/08/08). I wonder what she would have wanted that day, the same way I wonder about Christmas. Maybe talking about it will help?
It's a little more than a week til Christmas, 1992. The tree is being decorated by the whole family, presents are being wrapped and purchased. Food menues are being prepared. The halls are being decked to the hilt.
Fast forward to December 16th, 1992...the smells of cookies baking in the oven in preparation for the "big day", family members coming and going from the house. Late in the evening, my sister-in-law comes to my room and asks, "Do you mind if Mom and I hang out with Lauren for a little bit?" "Sure!" as I continue playing a video game. I didn't join them, which is heartbreaking to consider now. They gave her a bath, fed her her first solid food, carrots, and played in the middle of the living room floor by the Christmas tree. I was told later that she sat up on her own that night, something I never had the privilege of witnessing.
4:00am 12/17/92....I turn and look at her, sleeping peacefully on my bed. She has a beaming smile upon her sweet face. I cannot sleep, though I stay right by her side, wide awake (still playing the game). I breastfed her, so my body allerted me to wake her for breakfast at 6 am. I turned off the game then toward her. I gently carressed her sweet face and quietly uttered, "Lauren, hey sweet girl, time to eat".
Suddenly, she spit up through her nose and mouth, a clear liquid. I immediately thought she was choking. I freaked. I didn't know CPR or anything, so I woke my husband who was lying next to both of us. I was crying, so he instantly assumed he'd rolled over on her. He said she was already stiff when he picked her up. It did not stop him from trying to revive her.
My alcoholic brother-in-law in a drunken stupor had broken the phone by ripping it out of the wall in a rage the night before. So, after waking my mother and father-in-law from screaming in horror, Dad had to run from door to door, trying to find anyone awake at that hour to call 911. Ironically, the nosy neighbor, who never kept her nose out of everyone else's business, was the only one to respond. She was also the first to send food to the house as a token of remorse for our loss.
I can't remember much more after this. It's a blur. I do remember cursing God that day. I also can't seem to get the memory of shaking her, in exhaustion and frustration, merely months before. I didn't mourn her the same way my husband did, or the other members of the family either. He didn't talk about it at all, until about 4 years ago in fact.
I had just turned 18 in November, she'd had a chocolate eclaire donut on my birthday. I still miss her, and wonder "what if"....
We had to attend my nieces 3rd birthday party on Sunday, the 19th. I had to leave the room when they sang "Happy Birthday" to her, knowing I would never get to do that with my daughter. We went shopping for funeral attire after the party. I've never seen so many people with little girls in my life, as I did that evening. They were everywhere, happy and making their holiday purchases. I felt sick and nausiated. Numb. Hurt. Certainly NOT merry!
Monday morning, it rained. The service was nice. I decided on an open casket service, knowing it would be the last time I would ever see her (at least until I die... hopefully). We played "Tears In Heaven" which was a song, that when played durring my pregnancy would make her kick me continually. She now lays in an unmarked grave in Arlington, TX next to my grandfather. I have since moved away from TX, and haven't been back in many years. The last time I did, she proved to be a typical teenager. Stickers and forget-me-nots all over the ground covering her grave.
Five days later, we opened her gifts in order to return them to their respective stores, and to see the love poured out upon her from friends and family. I had to write thank you cards for those who attended her funeral and deal with other arrangements.
Christmas, as "unmerry" as it is to me, reminds me more than ever of my Saviour, who also died, that I may once again see my sweet angel, Lauren Elisabeth Knight.
Much love, and a Happy Christmas to everyone.
Posted By: Lesley Knight
Sunday, December 21st 2008 at 12:54PM
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