Part One: Secret?

On Sunday or very early on Monday morning at about a half past midnight, I spoke with a girl from church. We talked shortly about our church's Fellowship that started Thursday. Then I told her how I have not yet done my homework for my Monday's Speech class.

When I mentioned that phrase, she seemed shocked. I am a quiet person when you see me. When I'm with friends or my family, I act completely different. Not shy, but loud and outgoing. I realize now that the people I'm around with and know, I guess I choose on how I "want" to act.

Then I began to think. "When did all this happen?" Me... Being shy and quiet. I can recall looking at my kindergarten report cards in a closet in a gray suitcase type container. My teacher had said I showed interest in science and crafts and other kids. I was outgoing and fun.

My mom had brought this up once before: when I was young, I guess she and I had visited my grandmother. Next door lived an elderly woman who later became my grandmother's dear friend. Her grandson and I had played together one day.

I do not remember the details like my mom can. We were playing outside in my grandmother's backyard and he'd lock the door from the inside so I couldn't get in. He did that several times, I think.

That happened and he even bit me a few times and I had scratches on my face and arms and maybe even my legs. My loud cry for help assisted in me getting noticed by my mom. Of course my friend got in trouble.

But, the odd thing is, my mom said this happened when I was in preschool. Way before going to kindergarten and acting completely different. This doesn't make any sense to me.

So, after that incident and growing up. I slowly began to keep being outgoing. But, I absolutely hated sharing speeches or presentations in my classes. That's one or my only fear I have.

When I hit high school, meeting friends was okay. It was easy when they'd come to me, rather than me go to them. Then in my junior year, I seemed to have lost them along the way. We didn't talk as much. Maybe it was my fault?

So, it seems the only time I'm comfortable with speaking and being loud is with people I've known for a while. When meeting people, I do appear quiet; as long as the other person and I continue to talk, more of me will be revealed. Like most shy or quiet folks I have met growing up, I can also say that "...it takes a while for me to open up."

Now I remember my favorite teacher for my typography courses in school saying that her mother had told her that quiet people won't get anywhere. When she shared that with me, I agreed with that statement.

It seems as if my teacher wants me to find something to help me be outgoing. For her it's clothing. For me... I'm still looking. I believe it has to be something I love. I think for me, it's music. Or maybe something else.

But, maybe this speech class I'm taking will help me not only get over my fear of public speaking but actually help me build relationships with people I meet in my life.