“MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE TRAVELED TWO DAYS INTO THE FUTURE AND LISTENED TO EVERYTHING THE PRESIDENT WILL SAY,” REP. JOHN BOEHNER TOLD REPORTERS AT THE CAPITAL. “AND IT WILL ALL SUCK.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a plot twist worthy of the television series Lost, key congressional Republicans launched themselves in a state-of-the-art time machine today to complete an important mission: traveling to the future to disagree with President Barack Obama.
The self-styled "timestronauts," led by House Minority Leader John Boehner, traveled two days into the future to attend this Thursday's health care summit.
Returning safely to the present after their brief visit to the future, Rep. Boehner took issue with everything Mr. Obama will say on Thursday.
"My colleagues and I have traveled two days into the future and listened to everything the President will say," he told reporters at the Capitol. "And it all will suck."
Rep. Boehner said that the Republican time-travel machine was an unqualified success, and may have even broader applications going forward: "We hope someday to take this entire country back to the nineteenth century."
Minutes after Rep. Boehner's press conference, White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs blasted the GOP time-travel mission as "an insult to the spirit of bipartisanship and a gross misuse of time-travel technology."
Rep. Boehner offered this response: "Obviously, we already knew he was going to say that."
Posted By: Richard Kigel
Wednesday, February 24th 2010 at 11:24AM
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