Home > Blogs > Post Content

We Are Not Enemies (1150 hits)

Over the past few weeks, I have had a few discussions with black males and other black females regarding our relationship with each other (black men and black women) within our community. (Please note that when I say community I do not necessarily mean where you physically live but I mean black people as a whole living in the United States.)

I have heard on both sides what I deem to be a massive negative over generalization of each other based on gender. Now, trust I don’t dispute there are some of us that may not be representing in the best light but is it necessary to constantly berate each other?

I am not saying we should ignore those who wrong us or brush under the rug the problems within our community but I am saying could we not do so in a more constructive manner? Is it possible that when we stand in defense, ready to counterattack each other that we get the fight that we are waiting for? Do you think that maybe our attitudes about each other carry over into how the rest of society views us and portrays us since we are the “insiders” to our community?

I have heard it all over the past few weeks. I have had statistics thrown in my face about dating, marriage, interracial dating, etc… That is fine. I am not saying that we are obligated to date each other exclusively but is it necessary to put down each other? I think there needs to be a movement to support and respect each other. A movement can be as little as a shift in consciousness. Maybe something like being mindful about what you say in haste within your home especially if you have children. For example, if you are mother and you constantly say “men aren’t …” that might be contributing to the negative view we have of each other . If you are a man and you constantly say “women always want money….” Then you are also contributing to the negative view of each other.

I feel like we have young adults- 18 and 19 years old -who step into their first adult relationships already prepared to hate each other. They have picked up other people's baggage and have learned to be dysfunctional, they aren’t basing their opinions off of personal experience- and then we wonder why we are not getting married or not staying married when we do. How can expect the rest of society to see in us as a collective, that which we choose not to see in each other? Thoughts?

Posted By: Andrea Parker
Sunday, August 7th 2011 at 6:55AM
You can also click here to view all posts by this author...

Report obscenity | post comment

Share |

I was not addressing unconditional love for the “underbelly” of society. The point that I was making is that within the black American community I see that there is often an unconscious, automatic and instinctive hostility between black men and women. I am suggesting that this way of looking at each other as enemies is counterproductive. It creates one additional negative dynamic to the obstacles that many of us are already facing.

And while I do recognize that everyone cannot be saved, I am curious to why we would use that as an excuse to refrain from saving anyone. Are we just saying to each other “I’m good- So you do the best you can on your own?” At some point in ALL of our lives we needed someone to guide us, to believe in us. How do we know the “disagreeables” that you speak of are beyond intervention? Is it because you have tried and you have been unsuccessful? Or have you bought into the ideology that we as a people are incorrigible once we have wronged?

If we are not trying to help anyone, if we are not for the advancement of something then why are we here? Why are we talking about issues? Are we going to just give EVERY topic lip service or are we actually looking to offer any solutions and make any changes? Change begins with self. If we are not willing to make adjustments within ourselves then cannot expect changes as a collective. If we are not even willing to look at the issues then we will never see what changes we need to make.

Monday, August 8th 2011 at 12:40AM
Andrea Parker

Though the paths are different the destination is the same. (smile)
Monday, August 8th 2011 at 1:36AM
Andrea Parker

I'm chiming in late, but better late than never is what I say. There's definitely a disconnect between our people when it comes to authenticity and comradeship. I not only believe this, but I get to experience it first hand on sites like this and out in the public. I wish it weren't so, but the issue is real.
It's like I get the feeling that "we act funny" with each other as opposed to how we act with other nonblack. I hate it! I try to embrace those in our community, but there are many "bottle necks" and "barriers" that have to be knocked down before true authentic relationships can happen. I'm not against you is what I want to say.

Monday, August 8th 2011 at 11:46PM
Jen Fad

@Jen. Thank you for adding your views. I have a question though, so if we aren't able to form authentic relationships with each other then does that mean that we are not able to form authentic relationships as all? Or am I overgeneralizing your point? I am curious to see if you feel that it's just black people you feel are harder to connect with it or is it all people in general? This is interesting to me. I don't have a massive amount of people that I am authentically connected with but I don't expect it either. It is the nature of being human and the de-personalization of today's society and the massive amount of emotional capital that is required to sustain a deeply connected relationship. Do you have any ideas for why we may not be authentic with each other? Of course we have all experienced negativity or unpleasant situations from other black people but we have experience negative and unpleasant situations from other people as well. I am really interested in your thoughts because if we can get to a root of an issue then maybe we can address it and redirect the ideology behind it into something more beneficial to us all.
Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 12:25AM
Andrea Parker

@Jake. I commend you for your desire to work with the Youth. That was one of the points that i was trying to make. We need to be careful of our attitudes because children learn what we put out there. So in other words, if we have an attitude of indifference or hostility to other black people then aren't we also teaching the youth to have hostility to each other?

As far as history or historically noted opinions, attitudes or behaviors- never underestimate the ability of an enlightened community to change the the social environment that we are a part of. A shift in consciousness ended slavery, a shift in consciousness ended segregation and a shift in consciousness led the United States to elect it's first black President.

Ultimately what I am suggesting is that we need to evaluate how we are contributing to the dysfunction that we are experiencing. I am suggesting that even minor shifts in our thinking can make a difference. Sometimes we think we are the victim when really we might be the aggressor. Our thoughts are energy and energy is always in motion. We can move towards function or we can move towards dysfunction. It's up to us and all we have to do is think just a little differently. The time it takes to "write off" someone off in your mind is the the same time you could be using to include someone in a prayer.
Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 12:44AM
Andrea Parker

@Ms Irma. Thank you for sharing, I had not read that post before.

We are all much more than our skin color. I definitely agree.

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 12:52AM
Andrea Parker

@Ms Irma (again).. Yes! I think YOU get what I am saying.

I wasn't implying that we need to just blindly accept every black person because they are black, I was saying that we need to STOP rejecting other black people just because they are black.

I guess this wasn't meant to be "heard" by everyone.
Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 12:58AM
Andrea Parker

@Andrea

[I have a question though, so if we aren't able to form authentic relationships with each other then does that mean that we are not able to form authentic relationships as all?]

Not necessarily... The lack of authenticity and comradeship is something that is left for each individual to discover whether its through soul searching, professional couseling, communicating like we are doing here in this blog or in general by talking it out.

I discovered that my inability to connect with others stemmed from being molested when I was 5. I didn't trust any adults and that is another thing altogether. Now that I've dealt with my root of disappointment, I feel free to be who I wanna be with people in general but other Blacks are slow to connect. Hopefully that will change as we utilize the resources that are available to us to help us like others do in America.

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 4:49AM
Jen Fad

@Jen -First, thank you for sharing what you have overcome in your life. I understand where you are coming from in the inability to connect with others.

I too was molested at a very young age. In fact, I am probably part of every negative statistic that is out there on black people (or people in general). I was born to a single mother. In fact my father was married to someone else. I never knew my father. I was ultimately raised in a lesbian household. I was an only child. My mother suffered from severe depression and eventually began to self-medicate with illegal drugs until she became addicted to crack. Her drug continued for the majority of her life until she was diagnosed with a life threatening disease. Her depression and drug use resulted her being extremely verbally emotionally abusive to me. In my search for “surrogate love” I became pregnant at 14. Had a baby at 15. Ran away from home and got married at 17. Had another baby at 17. (Who is Autistic) Ended up being in physically and verbally abusive marriage. Ended up leaving my husband moving into a domestic violence shelter for women at children at 19. Got a divorce at 20. Attempted to pull it together and got engaged again at 22 but that relationship never materialized because he developed schizophrenia. I have live in Europe as well as the United States. I have lived in beautiful exclusive condos in Northern California all way down to the projects in Tampa.
I normally don’t put my business out there because it is NEVER about ME it always about US but maybe this is something others need to hear today. So maybe today those who can hear will hear.

Life sucks sometimes but we must know that NO MATTER what happens to us life goes on. The adversity in our lives is not to show us where our weakness lies but to highlight the strength in us! People look at me through the course of my day and may choose to believe that I am simply an overly optimistic dreamer. Guess what – these dreams of “better” ARE MY REALITY. I have lived it. I have seen it. EVERYDAY I continue to be thankful for it.

One might ask how so much adversity could happen to one person? Why didn’t you fall apart? Etc… Because I am a descendent of slaves who were born into adversity and survived. I am from a divine lineage of survivors! We are not victims! We need to stop acting like victims. We need to pull from the strength in each other. We need to stop all this foolish and learn to love a little bit more. I believe the struggles in my life were never about me. They were for me so that I could speak on these issues and KNOW what I am talking about Not because I read it in a book and I know historically happens BUT because I lived it and I know what ACTUALLY happens.

God Bless and may our be healed so that we may see HIM in those who we encounter throughout our days.

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 9:01AM
Andrea Parker

Hello to All,

Black America's concern should be one thing and one thing only and that is our sovereignty.

For 500 years now Black Americans have been spinning our wheels on unachievable goals in the system of White America.
Truly, Martin Luther King did not achieve his goals because they were unachievable since it is White America that Black Americans are begging for a better life.
So, since Dr. King did not achieve his goals how do you all believe your goals are a permanent remedy to Black America's ills?
You all mentions taxing the rich better education so on and so forth.

The reason we do not have a healthy relationship with each other is because of how Black Americans came into existence. We were bred to be slaves and we were born out of the ashes of plantation slavery of cotton and tobacco for the most part. Slaves have dysfunctional relationship because they are not real people.

I said it before and I will say it again that the only permanent solution is that Black Americans must desire to become a sovereign people on a fertile and reasonable portion of this continent that we could call our very own country borders to worship God, pursue life, liberty, happiness and prosperity in our own way.

For those Black Americans that does not desire to best sovereignty and wish to stay in the world of White America will not hinder our sovereignty. I say to you all that Black Americans are going to inherit a portion of this continent that we could call our very own country in my lifetime.

Now, all the solutions and arguments that you all have put forth do not trump my solution of becoming a sovereign nation, country and people.

Black Americans must have the help of God as the children of Israel had in their similar situation 4000 years ago. Black Americans must have a prophet as God had anointed Moses as the children of Israel's prophet. You have the history of the children of Israel to parallel, compare and contrast with our own situation, am I right.

I am a way, and besides me, there is no other way that Black Americans could become a real people in this world among other real people. Everything that I say is going to happen.
White America is going to let us go!

What say you?

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 9:26AM
Harry Watley

Good post Andrea and you raised a very thought provoking question. I think the reasons for this is due to slavery. If I may add historically the European slave master's target was not fully grown adults. Most of our original ancestors were between the ages of 13 and 18 with an average age of 15. Think about when you were 15 sisters. At 15 I was full of spirit and energy but hardly a match for an adult man. This is what our ancestors faced. From the very beginning the slavemaster knew the greatest bond they had to break to keep us enslaved was the family bond. That bond starts with Black men and Black women.

One of the unique and greatest issues we suffer as a result of slavery was the loss of our identity. Because we don't know who we are we have adopted the identity of our oppressors. We speak their language, worship their Gods and emulate their actions...One of the behaviors and philosophies that we have adopted is the misogyny they practice. Bottom line: this is not how we behaved once upon a time and as my lovely brother Mozell says...we were MATRIARCHS OF DESTINY (smile)

I say this to say that our women maintained and elevated status. Men and Women walked side by side as one and not one behind the other. This is where we need to get back to..That will take modified thinking among our brothers and sisters.
Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 10:15AM
Siebra Muhammad

Visit the YouTube called "Awra Amba" village. Take a look at the concept of their governance based on their economy.
Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 1:01PM
Dr. Okpara Nosakhere

@ Andrea,

No, I THANK YOU for being transparent with me. I appreciate you because you don't know me, but you put yourself out there like that maybe because I put myself out there with you. There are many who can't share like we have because of fear of being disappointed all over again. We have to address our issues and start sharing our stories especially the stories of being molested. I'm not insinuating that all of us have been abused in this way (but it’s happened to so many of us).

Mary J. and Don Lemon have been the most recent Black people that have come out after so many years of being silent about being molested as children. Why continue to allow our silence to betray us as then Senator Barack Obama wrote in his book, 'Dreams of My Father'?

You stated that we're people who have survived and continue to survive adversity because of our lineage. It's true. I'm not your enemy and I'm not against you, but I'm for you. There is no fear in love. (Hugs)

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 1:39PM
Jen Fad

@ Sister Irma,

Thanks for the encouragement; I appreciate you so much and thanks for being you!

@ Siebra,
I hear you, but (for me) I blame very little on slavery these days. I'm a free Woman. The ancestors died that I can be free.

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 1:49PM
Jen Fad

@ Saint,

[My job is to help them make better decisions to improve their lives in the future not to be critical of known facts that their parents are dysfunctional.
I believe in finding solutions rather than harp on the dysfunctional attributes of their parents.]

I take it by your comment that you aren't allowed to suggest that professional psychiatric counseling is an option, eh? Ha!

Tuesday, August 16th 2011 at 12:00PM
Jen Fad

...that is unless that individual teaches me that they are trying to make me my own worst enemy. (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

QUOTE...

The resolve to accomplish your goals is what counts. If you earnestly put your mind to something, your brain, your body, your environemnt- everything- will start working towards achieving the end...

(the greater the effort, the greater the benefits) (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

And, right back at ya Jen...we are all products of our past, present experiences...and, one of the main obsticles "I" have been able to over come is that no one can do anything against m e unless I grant them premission to do to me and I put special emphsis on their doing it by way of abuse of any religion by way of prejudices as an accepted norm in life. (smile)

And, why I continue to say, "If your creator does not require me to discriminate against my fellow mankind then your God is my God" therefore no one is my enemy. (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

@Jake, "Word Up". (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

@Andrea and Jen, both of you should do blogs on this issue...Prophet Agnes, who is not on our site as much as she use to be, but is still here...any way...

she and I use to discuss on our stie the needs to self medicate even on "legal' drugs because they are taxed as in alchol and prescription drugs because we are manic depressive...andrea your mom came to mind because I self medicated on LEGAL drugs as it took the medical sysem 20 years to come up with the proper treatment for me...we are in such need of proper EDUCATION AND AS JEN SAYS WE SO NEED TO TALK IT OUT AND HELP EACH OTHER BE BETTER ABLE TO HELPOUR SELVES..

UNLEARN BEING OUR OWN WORST ENEMY...THE BLACK SINGLE MOTHER ONLY BRINGS A NEW MEMBER INTO THE FAMILY TO BE LOVED AND CARED FOR VIA OUR CULTURE AS WELL AS OUR ORAL HISTORY...MY BIRTH MOM WAS 16 WHEN I WAS BOEN AND THIS WAS IN KKK TERRITORY IN 1942!!!!!!

BUT, BACK THEN WE WERE NOT TAUGHT THAT THE ( WORKING OUT SIDE OF THE HOME) BLACK MOTHER/ SINGLE MOTHER , FEMALE WAS L-E-S-S THAN BUT THAT SHE WAS THE MOTHER FIGURE OF OUR MOTHER- CENTERED CULTURE THAT IS A MAJOR, MAJOR TOOL IN OUR BIA'S SURVIVAL KIT FOR THE PAST 400 YEARS. ..

LOV TO ALL (S-M-I-L-E)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

YES, ALCOHOL IS AN ACUTE...ADDICTIVE...D-R-U-G...WHICH ANY DRUG AND ALCOHOL COUNSELOR WILL TELL YOU IS FAR MUCH WORST FOR HUMAN KIND THAN OPIUM OR MARJUIANA IS FOR THE HUMAN BODY...AND HERE IS HOW THEY COME TO THIS CONCLUSION...

OPICS KILLS ONCE BUT ALCHOOL KILLS EVERY PART OF YOUR BODY SLOWLY BUT SURELY...MOST ALCOHOLICS DIE FROM EXPOSURE AS IN FREEZING TO DEATH OUT IN THE COLD BECAUSE YOU BODY FEELS WARMER THAN IT IS. OH, AN DMALNUTRITION AS IN LACK OF FOOD. (NUP)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

@Andrea, I fully understand you are like so many of us need to be striving for and this is "unlearning" what we have learned...examlpe, it is our oral teachings we are loosing and you don't want it lost...you are wise beyond your years...and, I know this because you have not called me by my name without putting a handle on my name...that's unspolen respect orally much like our smiling or speaking to other Blacks we don't even know...(WWE HAVE BEEN TOO WELL TAUGHT TO BE OUR OWN WORST ENEMY)

As you get older you will come to better be able to under stand that we in our race have a unity so much so no matter How light the skin we will know another Black person. always. (smile)

SURVIVAL OF OUR GENES IS A MUST...(S-M-I-L-E)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

..."I" WILL SAY THIS THEN SHUT Up...

I was raised, and raised my children with this attitude...EVERYONE IS YOUR FRIEND UNTIL T-H-E-Y TEACH YOU DIFFERENT... I guess a form of We are all God's children, huh? (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

I would like to share a little story with you (some I have already shared it with on the site)...

One day I was walking on campus at UCD with a White fellow student and she said, "Boy you and your people know all of each other on ccampus don't you"? And, when I asked her what did she mean, she remarked we speak to all of the Black people we see....wehn I finished laughing, I told her I did not even know that Black student I had just spoken to just then...then I explained, it is just unspolened I guess but we either speak or smile or give some form of recognition, and I guess it was a from of unity or to just signle we ae so few here but we have each other and maybe this is whey we do this and never even give it a thought.

honestly, until that moment, I really had never even given it a thought as tis is something I have always done and at this time I was 49 years old. (smile) so maybe it is skin color, being prejudice or just a natural unity of survival of morelike me than different...

Now matter what it is I am proud of my skin color and feel sorry for anyone who dislikes it especially if it is their own natural skin color. BUT, I AM MUCH MORE THAN MY SKIN COLOR, AT LEAST TO MY GRAND CHILDREN. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

@Andera (smile)

In my NDB practice, we have a saying, "MANY IN BODY, ONE IN MIND". (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

When this kind of discussion comes up, 'my' thoughts tend to go to Eve in the garden of Eden / brain washing, closed minds, ect. (nup)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

Andrea, the objection of everyone doing their best ON THEIR OWN is mostly the center of this 'enemy' problem. example, Someone, out there, judging your life for you as if it is not your right to make your very own choices of what makes you the best person you can be. (smile)

So I will stick with the Eve story, because as "I" see it she made her own choices and I love this sense of independance, self love as well as self respect therefore Eve is not my enemy. lol (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

SUBJECT

We Are Not Enemies

".....I feel like we have young adults- 18 and 19 years old -who step into their first adult relationships already prepared to hate each other.

They have picked up other people's baggage and have learned to be dysfunctional, they aren’t basing their opinions off of personal experience....."

Posted By: Andrea Parker
Sunday, August 7th 2011 at 6:55AM

then the 30+something 'blackFemale' writes.....

".....I think the reasons for this is due to slavery...."

Tuesday, August 9th 2011 at 10:15AM
Siebra Muhammad

*******************************************

2016 .... "18 and 19 years old".. HAVE no "adult relationships" and definitley do not have "other people's baggage" from slavery?

Pleeze an 18-19 year old 'blackMaleFemale' DO NOT yet know who or what they are

Pleeze an 18-19 year old 'blackMaleFemale' DO NOT yet know how to wear their clothes

.....the ....male believes it is necessary to SHOW ones behind
.....the.. female believes it is necessary to SHOW ones behind

STILL babies and NEEDING an ADULT to lead them into Responsibility and Education......

Tuesday, April 5th 2016 at 9:22AM
robert powell

WOW!!!

Great READ Sister Andrea Parker TEACH.

Tuesday, April 5th 2016 at 9:52AM
Dea. Ron Gray Sr.