Amongst all of the post debate talk last night on Facebook, something posted on the page “Happily Ever After: A Positive Image of Black Marriage” really caught my attention.
“Regardless of where you stand on politics, you have to admit that they are providing an excellent positive example of marriage….of two people that support each other even in the most stressful times…of teamwork…..of intentional parenting….and of love.”
I have never met the Obamas or can I vouch for their marriage in any way. Like the majority of Americans, all we see is what the media allows us to see.
I really like this Facebook page and the many examples of good marriages they provide on a daily basis. I highly recommend all people either married or thinking about marriage to check them out.
But I have to tell you, holding up President Obama and his wife as an exemplary example of “true love” and a great marriage when their every move is calculated by an army of advisors and every flaw is air brushed away from the public is a false flag.
As I said many times during my mini conversations online, I really do hope they have a great marriage and are excellent parents. But everything I learned about marriage did not come from a celebrity. Instead it came from my parents, good friends, and just everyday people. I personally watched all of these people struggle through good times and bad and for the most part, I can vouch for many of their marriages.
My only point last night? Stop looking for celebrities to set examples of something as serious as marriage. That was it. But some of the blow back was something similar to what one would get if you dared to question the awesomeness of the local church bishop and his wife. In many of our Black churches, parishioners will absolutely idolize the marriage of the bishop and his wife without questioning anything. I’ve even seen people who have been married longer than the bishop lift his marriage up above their own. Look, marriage is full of ups and downs regardless of the couple. But it is those times of transparency that allow others to learn from your mistakes. Most celebrities are prohibited from being transparent.
I can’t begin to tell you the many marriages I have seen of high profile people that were not just in the toilet, but simply non-existant. Starting with the church, oftentimes pastor/bishop wives know full well that their husbands are living a double life and have simply agreed to stick around due to some arrangement. This is why I am no longer moved when I hear that a high profile marriage has lasted for 20 years or more. I’m not saying this happens with all church leaders. I’m just saying that it is not uncommon. Whether or not the flock knows about it can be irrelevant. If you dare mention things you might have heard, immediately you are treated like devil himself and oftentimes rebuked for “sowing seeds of discord”.
“Why does pastor and his wife leave in two separate cars?”
“Shut up! Don’t say that.”
“Why do they sleep in separate rooms?”
“I rebuke you.”
“Why does it seem like the pastor’s wife never smiles around him?”
“Shut up!”
And people, this is nothing new in the political world. Let’s all remember how the Clintons were treated as the perfect American family until a Monica Lewinsky showed up (and all the other women). Has Hillary really moved on and let bygones be bygones? Or is she just hanging on for her own aspirations? We here on the outer rim of the political universe may never know. The examples are endless in the world of politics.
The last thing this generation needs when it comes to marriage are more images. They need to see real people who do not have the luxury of having a stylst and a PR person and their beck and call. They need to see someone like a friend of mine who has been married for years to a wonderful woman who in her past has suffered serious emotional and psychological trauma (and to this day he still has to help her walk through the lasting effects of that pain). Not only that, has inherited some of her kids. Not only that, literally makes it on an ultra thin paycheck. But through all of that, they love each other dearly. They could also learn a thing or two from another friend of mine who man enough to talk about a low point in his marriage WHILE HE WAS GOING THROUGH IT. Most people wait until they come out of it to talk about it. The examples are all around us.
I will never hold ANYBODY’S marriage up as an example for others to follow if I cannot personally vouch for their character. Again, people do mess up and some even fail completely. But character is something that will always stay with you. How do you act when you are not in front of the cameras? How do you treat your spouse when your fan base isn’t around?
Marriage is just too important to be left at the alter of celebrity.
Posted By: DAVID JOHNSON
Monday, October 15th 2012 at 6:26PM
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