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The Struggle Is Real: 3 Ways You Can Stay Celibate While Dating { You Down With This Philosophy?? } (1467 hits)

BY: Aesha Adams Roberts - 31 Aug '15 | Single

Black and Married With Kids.com

A Positive Image of Marriage & Family

You’ve made the commitment to God, yourself and your future spouse that you are going to wait to have s*x until marriage. You felt empowered when you made the decision, but now you’re just feeling…well, you know…horny! The struggle is real. You don’t want to break your vow, but the gospel music and cold showers ain’t cutting it. What do you do?

Let me share with you 3 tips that I teach my clients who struggle to remain celibate while dating.

Pay attention to your triggers

Does watching a romantic comedy turn on your imagination and desire for physical intimacy? Do you have friends who openly talk about their s*x lives, even though they know you’re waiting til marriage? Do you have “flashback” moments late at night when you relive past s*xual experiences?

If you’re not quite sure how to deal with temptation, click here to find out.

Thinking about s*x is normal. It’s part of having a s*x drive. You just want to make sure you are managing your thoughts so they don’t control you and cause you to make poor decisions.

Pay attention to your self-care

We all crave s*x, food, sleep and drink. If any one of these areas are deprived, we’ll overindulge in another area. Many of my clients find themselves craving companionship when they’re overwhelmed.

They’re taking care of everybody but themselves: their kids (if they’re a single parent), their parents, church, work, and community. When they finally come up for air, they long for physical touch and attention.

There’s nothing wrong with needing to be loved. But the problem is when you’ve been starving yourself, you’ll reach for “emotional junk food.” You know, a guy who you know is no good, who you don’t even like, or who doesn’t want a relationship, just to fill the void.

In that moment, ask yourself this question: What do I need? Dig deeper than the physical urges. If you need physical touch, then get a massage or spend an entire day at the spa. I know, I know, it’s not the same, but if you’re truly committed to staying celibate, then you’ll want to look for healthy ways to get your needs met.

Pay attention to your boundaries

Finally, if you want to remain celibate while dating, create and maintain good boundaries. You might not be strong enough to spend the night at your new boyfriend’s house, even if you’re just sleeping on the couch!

Perhaps you two like to talk about all the things you’re going to do to each other when you get married, but if it’s stirring up your desires, you may need to tone it down. A good verse to remember is this: “”Oh let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem: Don’t excite love, don’t stir it up, until the time is ripe–and you’re ready.” Song of Solomon 8:4 (MSG)

If you honor your s*xual needs as normal but put good boundaries in place, you can keep your commitment to celibacy.

BMWK let’s talk! What are other tips you’d suggest to singles wanting to remain celibate?

About the author

Aesha Adams Roberts wrote 55 articles on this blog.

Dr. Aesha is a matchmaker, dating coach, speaker and author of the book, Can I Help A Sister Out: How To Meet & Marry The Man of Your Dreams. After years of making painful dating mistakes, she met & married her husband in 11 short months and has made it her mission to help women and men find and keep the love of their lives.

Posted By: Yaiqab Saint
Monday, August 31st 2015 at 2:41PM
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Attempt to be honest and truthful about the situation?
Monday, August 31st 2015 at 2:42PM
Yaiqab Saint

Yup!

Monday, August 31st 2015 at 6:10PM
Jeni Fa

As a single, don't read romance novels or books with s*xually explicit language. No music with the same... Don't over do it with cologne and perfumes. Don't dress risqu�' and don't look too, long or more than once at a man if you know that he's not the right man for you.

Watch the eye, eargates... its a must.

Monday, August 31st 2015 at 8:46PM
Jeni Fa

And absolutely don't watch television with the s*x and junk... so that's practically no television! Ha!

Monday, August 31st 2015 at 8:47PM
Jeni Fa

Well I must commend and give props to those couples whom make an agreement to abstain from s*x .

However it did not work for US !!!

Actually Janelle developed the momentum for abstaining from s*x until there was a specific commitment and spiritual synergy.

Yaiqab was like bet because I was really feeling her and played along with the game.

Ultimately those "slick moves" won the prize.

I told her that we needed to abstain longer than she was willing to go.... yes that romantic evening dinner turn the tide at my apartment. But I stopped it before the danger zone..... and she was puzzled???

Then I said to her listen 'Baby' we need to detour from these romantic zones and extend the abstinence period much longer.

Well after I walked her home to her apartment I knew she would get on the phone with her main gurls and they would do the bidding for me.

Her BFF (FROM QUEENS) told Janelle your man is fine and he must be smashing some other female(s) and keeping you on ice!

I just waited for Janelle to arrange an exclusive weekend visit to her apartment the following week and the "V "walls fell.

If your man loves you and means it why not give him some "LOVIN" before you get married????

But I was glad that she put me on a s*x diet because that was the exception not the norm.

Now we banging out those babies........ it worked for us!
Tuesday, September 1st 2015 at 9:30PM
Yaiqab Saint

I think chastity allows one to think rationally with clarity of mind in a relationship so that one doesn't miss the red flags and signs of incompatibility. Once s*x enters the equation, it's difficult to make any good decisions after that.

Wednesday, September 2nd 2015 at 11:11PM
Jeni Fa

Plus boundaries are very important!

Wednesday, September 2nd 2015 at 11:13PM
Jeni Fa

Yep... boundaries are very important !

It is very important that women understand biology when they have s*x with a man.

Once a man has s*x with you he shares his genetic material profile and the release of the hormone "oxytocin" can be beneficial or harmful.

Here is one of the beneficial scientific facts that work for me and Janelle prior to our s*xual intimacy.

"Researchers think they may have found a clue in oxytocin, a hormone released during s*x and other intimate gestures like hugging or holding hands that's been proven to strengthen social bonds in other mammals.

They found that the hormone appears to boost men's attraction to their mate -- even when presented with pictures of other women.

The findings are published in this week's issue of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences."

So if the spiritual synergy is there with hugging, kissing, and other affections minus physical intercourse it will keep the man attracted to you despite advances of other women.

I did not cheat on Janelle when we were courting although I had plenty of opportunities to do so!

So a female has to intice a man with her internal spiritual beauty and of course set boundaries without artificial demands and dates.

When we were intimate we both stated that we love each other outside of the thrill of physical intimacy !

The physical moment was the "ICING ON THE CAKE" if you will !

I knew when we first met that she was "SPECIAL" and I had a similar experience with another female I dated a few years prior to Janelle.

So experience/specific goals will dictate whether that mate is worthy of LOVE OR NOT >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Thursday, September 3rd 2015 at 10:31AM
Yaiqab Saint

OTHER SCIENTIFIC FACTS:

In the study, 20 men who were in committed relationships for 28 months, on average, took whiffs of either oxytocin nasal spray or an inactive placebo spray.

For the first test, the men looked at pictures of their partner, a woman they'd never met, or a house. The photos of the women were carefully matched so one wasn't more attractive than the other.

In the second experiment, they looked at pictures of their partners or of women they knew but weren't related to, perhaps someone they saw at work every day.

Then the men rated the attraction they felt to the various faces. Men consistently rated their partners as being more attractive and arousing than the other women and, in most cases, a whiff of oxytocin boosted that effect compared to the placebo.

But what really fascinated the researchers was what happened inside the men's brains.

Under the influence of oxytocin, two areas of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure lit up when men saw their partner's faces. But the sight of other women had the opposite effect, suppressing feelings of pleasure.

"Oxytocin triggers the reward system to activate on the partner's face, the presence of the partner," said study author Dr. Rene Hurlemann, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Bonn, in Germany.

"s*xual monogamy is actually quite costly for males, so there must be some form of mechanism binding males and females together, at least for some time," Hurlemann said. "There must be some benefit, and reward is actually the strongest motivation underlying human behavior."

An expert who was not involved in the study said the results suggest that couples who keep a high level of intimacy in their relationships can maintain stronger bonds.

"When you're first becoming intimate, you're releasing lots of dopamine and oxytocin. That's creating that link between the neural systems that are processing your facial cues, your voice and the reward system" of a partner's brain, said Larry Young, a professor of psychiatry at Emory University in Atlanta. He studies the role of oxytocin in social bonding.

As time goes on, and couples become less intimate, Young noted that linkage can decay. But activities that release oxytocin, such as really looking into another person's eyes, holding hands, kissing and having s*x may help restore the connection.

"To me, it suggests that it may be a way to help prevent the decay that can occur that leads couples to separate," he said.

That is why I "SKYPE" and send love emails to her consistently to keep the fire going..... ya feel me??????

Thursday, September 3rd 2015 at 10:43AM
Yaiqab Saint

But what really fascinated the researchers was what happened inside the men's brains.

Under the influence of oxytocin, two areas of the brain responsible for feelings of reward and pleasure lit up when men saw their partner's faces. But the sight of other women had the opposite effect, suppressing feelings of pleasure.

"Oxytocin triggers the reward system to activate on the partner's face, the presence of the partner," said study author Dr. Rene Hurlemann, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Bonn, in Germany. "...

Truly fascinating. I believe that there has to be more than physical attraction and children (although children are great reasons) keeping married people together. Surely, the Creator of the Universe knew exactly what He was doing when he made humanity.

Thursday, September 3rd 2015 at 7:54PM
Jeni Fa

Yep... and me and Janelle are hugging each other as I caress our baby boi in the womb!

Then Baby Gurl comes over for her dose of love........

I love being a FATHER It is by far the best experience in my life !

The Most HIGH IS PERFECT !!!
Thursday, September 3rd 2015 at 9:11PM
Yaiqab Saint

Saint,

It is a special thing to be a parent!

Friday, September 4th 2015 at 1:18AM
Jeni Fa