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Question: How Do YOU Deal with Critical Spirits? (1571 hits)

I want everyone's take on how they handle adversity with particular focus on how some people's approach to disagreements is to be critical of the PERSON and not the position.

Can we learn from each other by spitting venom...even though sometimes it's shrouded in words that WOULD be kind if only they were true? How do we ENCOURAGE rather than discourage despite the fact that we have differences?

My way to do it is to have respect and to express myself with the same respect I would like to see visited upon me, even when I'm vehemently opposed to another person's position. Approach is important and for me, sometimes, a message that may have otherwise gotten through falls on deaf ears because the approach was so ugly to start that I had no desire to hear what came NEXT. This, to me, is usually the point where a personal insult is hurled, and thus, completely shuts off my willingness to listen. (God is working with me because sometimes even when the delivery completely sucks, there's SOMETHING to be gotten from it).

How do ya'll (the TX in me) handle negativity in the form of critical spirits? Let me give you an example: a person disagrees with you, but instead of making the discussion about the disagreement of a particular, they say something personal about you-- like "you're dumb if you think that..." or "you call yourself a Christian thinking like that..?..." That's what I call a critical spirit because who are any of us to question certain things about each other as people or to characterize each other based on one discussion or viewpoint, as if this completely encompasses who we are as PEOPLE.

You hear something like this, and THEN the person bounces back to the issue. How do YOU handle it without being equally flippant or rude? How do YOU attach the issue and not the PERSON?????????

Thanks to all of you who take the time to respond.

Blessings...

Posted By: Dee Gray
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 11:04AM
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I tell you racism is wrong but in the process, I call you an ignorant baffoon. Would you hear it? Or would you hear the insult? I appreciate you for posting. I'm wondering what you can get from someone's rudeness other than an example of what NOT to do? "We use them to gain wisdom as well as depart it." Could you expound on that for me as well?

Thanks, again, Mozell. I look forward to your response.
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 12:51PM
Dee Gray

From my experience critical spirits comes in all forms shapes and sizes and it has been fromperience that I have learned to deal with those spirits with tact... i always have to evaluate the person speaking and whatever shortcomings that are apparent...like lack of education, affluence, authority, and such and based upon what i am seeing i'll respond inkind... using alot of tact... i feel that evil is what evil does and oftentimes i cannot escape it's presence... and i see it coming based upon a rude comment... i put on my armor as i cannot allow my emotions to respond to such ignorance...i'll find way to straighten out the thought and move on...knowing that it is thier misfortune and not necessarily mines... i cannot fix the world and neither do i expect the world or the people in it to be perfect.... Therefore in alll things I allow reason and room for imperfection...even in our conversation.
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 1:21PM
John Kelley

Thank you for this discussion, I once was at a lost with objections in any form and then in my personal development studies we were given a formula that works well for my team I'll share it and if it helps amen. We use a buffer to whatever the objection is: Thank you for sharing that information with me. This is not for every one ( meaning this discussion, idea, what have you). However, if I can show( share,etc) you a way to ......would you be interested? You will have to fill in the blanks with what ever you are discussing. The point here is, you are not allowing the person to bring you down to their level and side track you. Most of the time those are smoke screens people are throwing up to avoid the real issues or what have you. Hope this helps. Esther, http://www.estherpinkston.com
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 1:42PM
Esther Pinkston

I think I handle things much as you do. I would add that people have the right to be negative and I have the right not to buy into their negativity. Generally, I turn my attentions to planning my exit strategy if it is a toxic boss and focus on what I have to put in place to be able to leave gracefully and with my dignity in tact.
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 4:00PM
Dr. S. Maxwell Hines

Mr. Maxwell, thank you so much for that. It has truly encouraged ME. You're right. And now I have an even more extended view. Sometimes, we have the answers to these questions and just need confirmation from someone who has no vested interest in the outcome.

Again, thank you.

Blessings...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:34PM
Dee Gray

Mr. Kelley, wow. THANK YOU, TOO! That last sentence sums it up and that's some excellent perspective. Mind if I quote you on that? "...allow reason and room for imperfection." And I do agree that we must absolutely consider the source.

Thanks again for posting.

Blessings...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:36PM
Dee Gray

Mrs. Pinkston, that exercise absolutely sheds some light how best to be diplomatic, yet succinct in presenting our reasoning. I think I'll take this to work with me and share it with my team. Thank you.

And YES..............AMEN!!!!

Blessings...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:38PM
Dee Gray

Dee,

I have learned to take it as a compliment when folks want to stop taking issues are start taking about me. IMHO, sometimes when we don't know the issue we attack the person/ people in an attempt to discredit the message.

In the Air Force there is a saying " If you ain't catching flak you're not over the target". Expect folks to attack YOU as a person when they feel a mental threat: you are hitting the target. Rise above it and all will be well. Drop down into it and you'll go down in flames...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:46PM
Dr. Ahmad Glover

Mister Johnson:

I can ALWAYS count on you to come through with some serious wisdom!!! I feel so encouraged by everyone here. I feel replenished, too, and God knows I needed it!!!

And Mister Johnson, I'm not sure if it's prudent of me, but I have this "off switch" when I'm attempting to effectively communicate with someone who doesn't seem all that interested in effective communication. I tend to not hear anything past the insult or rudeness and many times, have abruptly ended conversations I see can only continue down a very treacherous road. Not rudely...but abruptly...like I respectfully offer to bow out and begin the conversation again when cooler heads prevail or when the person expresses an interest in doing more than just being heard (without regard to the fact that communication is at least a two-way street). Some people want to say whatever they want to say and dang what you have to say. Of course, this is usually after setting you up to believe they will actually hear you out as well.

And I also tend to agree with Mr. Maxwell...that people who have no point are usually the ones who go off the deep end and hurling an insult or being rude are measures to divert attention from the real issue...or the issue at hand. I've experienced that, and then that "off switch" goes on. This is my defense mechanism because, I, too, am human...though I try a great deal to bite my tongue and not go certain places. My way to do that is to remove myself from the conversation altogether. I pride myself on diplomacy and in the rare occasion that I feel like my blood could boil, I have to GET AWAY before I misrepresent the God in me and the daughter my mother raised. LOL.

This IS a timely subject and I'm so happy I posted this blog. Hopefully, this dialogue has encouraged all of us in some way. I know you all have encouraged me.

Blessings...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:47PM
Dee Gray

Dr. Glover, YOU said a moutful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm jumping up and down. God is GOOD. I'm SO encouraged...I can't say it ENOUGH. Thank you for your commentary.

Blessings...
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:49PM
Dee Gray

Dr. Glover, I meant "mouthful."
Sunday, August 17th 2008 at 8:49PM
Dee Gray

It may sound redundant but it really works:

I use to read alot of personaility books on how to handle certain situations and I find what works best is to say " What did you mean by that?" and even though it may seem like trouble it gives the other person a chance to reread what they've said and then respond again based on their own words ...so that is a really good way to handle sensitive issues , I've found.

Am like you I try to respect others, I really don't like to offend anyone because am so sensitive myself so I def look at what am saying to someone so that it does not get taken out of context. I think a lot tmes we as people want to believe that our opinion is the only way to view something and forget that it is only an OPINION. I will tell you what you probably already know! which is it is hard to maintain your civility when someone is attacking you but I find that if you do maintain it! you will feel really good about it l-D
Monday, August 18th 2008 at 4:17PM
April D. Frazier

It is unfortunate that there are individuals out there who are pessimistic or denigrate a person

because of their own ego. Just know that if they are doing it to you, what makes you think they

are are not doing it to another person (in which they will because people are creatures of

habits).

A possibility of this type of person being critical is because they are very critical of who they are

or very insecure but will put on a facade to hide it and continue lashing people "they deem

insignificant" or someone they don't know or understand (so they insult the person to see how

they tick).

We just have to accept the person for who they because we cannot change them, but we know

how to handle them. Ignoring them (which can be difficult) is the worst thing you can do

because they want to feel important (like the saying all eyes on me).

If you put your hand over a flame, won't it burn; that's how it feels with critical people. And what do

you do; do you keep your hand over the flame or move it so it won't cause anymore damage to your

beautiful skin (or self, soul, attitude)?

Here are some questions to consider:

1) Are these people optimistic? (or do they find optimistic people to be delusional)

2) Why is it important to me to worry over some who insults me when I know who I am?

3) What are the things in life that are most important to me?

4) Do they affect my future?

Hope this help!

Great Blog!!

Tuesday, August 19th 2008 at 3:15PM
Candice Johnson

Hi Dee!

There are so many sources of the spirit of criticism. Some people are from critical environments---it's everywhere. They can watch TV and the people around them criticize a commercial. They are from negative/toxic environments and have adopted the only thing they know. In such cases, they need to be made aware of the impact of their words and judgements so that they can change.

Others have been hurt and in their pain they fling insults. Hurting people hurt people. You can only have grace and if appropriate help them to heal.

Other's are intentional in causing harm with their words. Shake the dust off your feet and leave those folks alone!

For the most part, I get past the criticism by focusing on the person and the source of it. It gives me the strength to walk in grace and forgive, if necessary and move on. Very recently I experienced criticism that I felt had it's root in an intent to harm. I prayed about it over and over---basically ruminating on the "intent" of the criticism. What I felt that God told me, was "what does it matter-- what this person intended by their criticism? What matters is what I intend to do with that criticism."

When it all boils down to it, critical spirits only have the power that we give to them. We overcome the criticism and the critical words, by mustering up the strength to address it with grace and allow it to propel us to another level!
Tuesday, August 19th 2008 at 5:50PM
Dr. Carolyn Clansy Miller

Carolyn...well said!!!!! "what does it matter-- what this person intended by their criticism? What matters is what I intend to do with that criticism."

Okay? I'm gettin what you're puttin down!!!!
Friday, August 22nd 2008 at 8:23PM
Dee Gray

Candice: LOVE those four questions!!!!!!! I think I'm going to post them on my desk. Are you my kindred spirit or something???????????? #2 and #4 are things I say to my daughter when she comes home from school discouraged or feeling put down by people. We've been working on her #3 since she was four. ...still chiselling and sculpting...her AND myself.

And I'll be adopting #s 1 if you don't mind! ;-)

Blessings...
Thursday, September 25th 2008 at 10:55PM
Dee Gray