The 7 Things Men Wish Women Knew About Dating, Love & Commitment
By Deborrah Cooper
Faced with yet another Saturday night alone, single women everywhere wonder what they are doing wrong. Just why is it that so many beautiful, accomplished Black women are without the loving partners they seek?
Twenty years of experience as a dating expert opened my eyes to what men are REALLY looking for when they decide to settle down. And though a pleasant visual presentation is important, the key ingredient to attracting a man is what you present that touches him on the INSIDE Looks and outfits may catch his eye initially, but that isn't want keeps him interested and that certainly isn't what makes him fall in love and commit to you.
Based upon interviews with hundreds of men, I've come up with the top recommendations for getting the man you want.
#1 - DON'T BE AFRAID TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. With an estimated 95 million singles in America, the ability to flirt and the willingness to make the first move are essential skills for single women. If a guy is interested in knowing you, he will take the bait. It is never necessary for you to chase a man. "Though we're bigger and stronger physically than women, we're just as sensitive and nervous about meeting new people as you are!" writes David, a 35 year old machinist. "Give me the green light with a smile and a 'hello!' to let me know you're interested. I'll take it from there!"
#2 - PROJECT CONFIDENCE AND HIGH SELF-ESTEEM. Be accepting and comfortable with who and what you are. He knows if you value and respect yourself highly, he will have to step up his game to have a chance which inspires his competitive nature. Remember, men don't appreciate anything which comes with little to no effort on his part.
"When a woman feels good about herself, she oozes confidence and s*x appeal – two traits that are very intriguing to men," says Jerry, a 26 year old programmer. "Guys are visual creatures, and notice posture, facial expressions, grooming and attire which to us project how you feel about yourself."
#3 - BE CLEAR ABOUT EXACTLY WHAT IT IS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR. "What do you want? I ask women that all the time and they never have a clear answer. It drives me crazy!" writes Cory, 28 from Seattle. "I mean, if we are both looking for a casual "friend with benefits" thing it's cool.
Or are you looking for a long-term thing… someone to build a future with? I can roll with that too if it's right. I do want to get married someday. But ladies, if I offer just one thing and you want the other, don't get mad at me later when you settled for something you never really wanted!" Enough said.
#4 - REACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH THE KITCHEN. The phrase "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is actually true. Men love the feeling of being nurtured and pampered and treated in a special way. Try inviting an available bachelor over for a home cooked meal and watch him break his neck to get there!
"Since guys express love through action, when a man does something nice for a woman he is saying 'I love you.' When a woman does something for a man, he interprets it as the woman saying she loves him back. Many women feel telling a man how they feel with words is enough. Well, it isn't.
For a man love must be demonstrated to be real," Raymond, a 32 year old foreign car mechanic from Los Angeles relayed in a phone interview. For him and a great many of the men interviewed, cooking met that need.
#5 - WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET. Smart women judge a man by his CHARACTER - not by how much money he makes, the car he drives, or other superficial/ material things. Smart women also accept a man just as he is, choosing to get closer only to men that command their admiration and respect. "If you've made poor choices in the past, don't bash the entire male gender! Women decide who to date, sleep with, commit to and marry.
You pick your man, he doesn't pick you. Should you have a history of choosing the wrong guys, that's YOUR fault, not mine!" Marcus, a 52 year old manager explained.
Likewise, do not waste time trying to change a man into Mr. Perfect by nagging, correcting, questioning or criticizing him. A quote attributed to late actress Natalie Wood reads: "the only thing women can change on men is their diapers." Clark, a 27 year old Police Officer agrees wholeheartedly. "Men don't change unless they really want to and there is nothing you can do to MAKE me change either!"
#6 - BECOME MENTALLY ENGAGING AND FUN TO BE AROUND! "Can you tell these women that they need to have something going on in their life? If your only interests are watching television, reading fashion magazines, talking on the phone and shopping, you are one boring chick!" complained Steven, a 34 year old Dallas attorney.
"I love basketball. Do you know anything about sports? Are you open-minded or do you turn up your nose at suggestions I have for new foods or activities you've never tried before? Do you have an education and a career, or are you trying to set things up to live off me? Can you carry on an intelligent conversation on a variety of topics? Is asking for these things in a mate unrealistic or something? Why do so many women think all they have to do is show up and look s*xy in some half naked outfit? Am I supposed to be happy with just that as hard as I've worked to get where I am? Sorry, that’s not enough."
#7 - SLOW DOWN, GIVE THE RELATIONSHIP TIME TO GROW. Joe, a 29 year old entrepreneur, says it best. "I'm interested in marriage when I meet the right woman. But I need time to be sure she is really the one for me. I'd like to date about two years before I start thinking about marriage. But too many women want to speed ahead and lock things down. I don't understand why they push for a commitment before they really know anything about the man they are committing to! These women don't know me from Adam but they are asking me within a week or two 'where is this going?"
Added Charles, a 56-year old divorced father of four: "Dating is a game of building futures. Because it's a game of building futures, it's a game with real and possibly serious emotional, physical and financial consequences for both parties. I tell my nieces and daughters all the
time: 'what you do and the decisions you make now will form the foundation for the relationships you'll have in the future.' Select your men with care."
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER
To sum things up: (1) know exactly what you want in a man and a relationship; (2) stay focused and never settle for less… kissing warted green frogs won't turn them into Princes; (3) give the relationship time to develop and grow without pressure; (4) be sensitive to that fact that he is bigger and stronger that you, but needs support, encouragement and nurturing just as you do; and (5) commit only to men that possess a solid character, strong values and morals, and a personality that meshes well with your own.
If you see that your behavior is more in line with those deemed undesirable by men, get busy making immediate changes. Once a man feels his life is enriched by having you around, the passionate, committed romance you seek with Mr. Right will be yours.
*AUTHOR BOX*
Deborrah Cooper writes an advice column on Ask Heartbeat (http://www.askheartbeat.com). Her hilarious dating guide
http://www.suckafreelove.com "Sucka Free Love!" provides street-smart, common sense advice on dating and how to recognize and protect yourself from losers and suckas! Listen to Deborrah on Sucka Free Dating - The Smart Relationships Talk Show every Wednesday at 7:00 pm (PST) on
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/askheartbeat BlogTalkRadio.
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Tuesday, November 23rd 2010 at 6:17PM
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