by Black Love And Marriage.com on May 5, 2011
In Black Men, Communication
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends. Women should not become scared that they have done something terribly wrong. They just need to learn that if you just let men go into their caves, after a while they will come out and everything will be fine.
This lesson is difficult for women because one of the golden rules for women is never to abandon a friend when she is going through. She loves him–and therefore–tries to support him in the way that she would want to be supported. So, she asks him lots of questions about how he is feeling and tries to be a good listener thinking then he will feel better. But, it doesn’t. In fact, it can do the exact opposite. Constantly trying to get him to talk makes him shut down more and when she gets upset and is offended because he won’t talk to her—well now the problem is even more complicated. He has to think about what’s bothering him and now add to that–why you’re now upset. It’s even harder for a man to begin talking when he’s ready if he feels his partner disapproves of the time he took to himself.
When a man withdraws he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. And, ladies here’s a quick tip: Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.
How To Support Your Man When He Withdraws
1. Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing in the first place.
2. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
3. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
4. Don’t sit around looking all pathetic while you wait for him to open up to you.
5. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
6. Do something that will distract you and make you happy.
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Thursday, May 5th 2011 at 8:12PM
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