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Secrets In The Black Family (617 hits)

By Black Love And Marriage.com on August 11, 2011

In Black Family

By Veronica Wells

About a year ago my sister called me with some distressing news about one of our cousins. While she was more than willing to share, she let me know that my aunt and uncle wanted the incident to be kept secret. And not secret from friends and associates, secret from our other family members. I understand that you can’t share everything with everybody but far too often, in black families specifically, there’s an all too common practice of sweeping painful, embarrassing, hurtful information under the rug.

And apparently my family’s not the only one, many of you remember when Mo’Nique went public about the molestation she suffered at the hands of her older brother. (You can watch her interview with Joy Behar here. There are two parts. Part 1 and Part 2.) Even after she told her parents what happened, her brother denied it and her parents didn’t really address it. For years she carried that burden until her role as Mary Jones in “Precious” where she portrayed a child molester. Through Mary Jones she was able to empathize with her brother and even able to forgive him.

You’ll note her honesty lead to the most successful period in her professional life thus far. I’d argue that wasn’t a coincidence . Her healing only came after she acknowledged it.

Then there’s Tyler Perry. And as much as people have to say about his films, if you’ve seen any of them you can’t help but notice that there’s often the “family secret” component to his work. Whether you like the way he conveys this information or not you can respect the fact that he’s creating space for black families to talk about their own drama. That’s admirable.

If I had to link this propensity to hide back to a certain period I’d say slavery is a good place to start. Many of our ancestors coped with the brutal inhumanity of this period by consciously or subconsciously repressing life changing events and memories. And it makes sense. What father wants to tell his children he was owned, beaten, or degraded by another man? It’s not exactly a memory you want associated with the family legacy.

Or is it?

Visit Madamenoire.com to read more.

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Thursday, August 11th 2011 at 10:12AM
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Saint,
Thank you much (hugs)... Sharing my story where appropriate is therapeutic for me because I continually overcome by the power of my testimony stripping the enemy of my soul of any hold over me.

Thursday, August 11th 2011 at 3:15PM
Jen Fad

Sister Irma,

I'm really sorry that the man on the bus did that to you. What did your uncle say to that man for violating you?
Friday, August 12th 2011 at 1:46AM
Jen Fad

@ Saint re:

[@Irma Sorry that incident happen to you as a child.
Religion is "human worship" to me and a cover for the unrighteous to hide the truth about the Most High and his commandments, statutes, and laws.
I see it either you are a "agreeable or disagreeable", and no religion can hide you from your true spiritual nature! ]

I concur and Sister Irma I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, too!
It takes a real sick and evil human being to abuse a child and religion is a "cover" for those people to hide behind and have access to innocent children that God cares so much about.

Sunday, August 14th 2011 at 6:41PM
Jen Fad

@ Sister Irma,

According to what I've read... God is a Spirit and that no one has seen God and lived. When we die, we can ask all the questions we desire. I'm thinking that when we die, it won't matter to us whether God is a female or whether God is a male. For me, God is a spirit. I'm just saying...
Sunday, August 14th 2011 at 6:47PM
Jen Fad

@ Sister Irma,

[...am I lying or telling the truth...]

All I can do is judge things based on the facts. There are people out there who are argumentive for no good reason, but I choose to respect all of God's creations. We aren't all going to agree all the time on everything so knowing this helps keeps me keeping it movin'.

I think we are to be at peace with one another (as much as possible) and that includes another individual's religious beliefs.

Monday, August 15th 2011 at 7:45PM
Jen Fad

@ Jen Fad
Just to quote you (According to what you have read... God is a Spirit and that no one has seen God and lived) ..
According to the Bible KJV Exodus 33:11 So the LORD spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend. And he would return to the camp, but his servant Joshua the son of Nun, a young man, did not depart from the tabernacle
Deuteronomy 34:10 But since then there has not arisen in Israel a prophet like Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face

Wednesday, August 17th 2011 at 3:42PM
Sylvainy R

I have been bless to have had a mother that "I" could come to and talk about any and all things...I had half sisters and brothers, family and friends I soulc talk to about any and all things. example, with both of my girls, I tokd them if they ever needed birth control pills to come to me...that was all that was needed to be discussed...but, then many people don't see s*x as natural human behaviors, but something to be regulated, socialized which creats an environment of not being able to even be truthful with each other...

I believe that any child wh o has learned to not trust t their parents in all tings is the worst form of child abuse there is...a child always needs protection an d even more needed is a total sense of personal safty at all times. (smile)

When I was about 8 years old we were traveling long distance on a Grayhound bus...the bus was crowded so this man said to my grandmother I could sit in his lap if she did nto mind...I woke up with this man's hand in side of my panties...I had no idea what was going on but I knew it was wrong some how...I got up off of his lap and went and told my uncle and the rest is history. (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

"I" know personally, when it comes to most of the child abuse..."I" blame abuse of religion on most of this.(nup) Also guilt of paretns who feel they have let their children down so will find it much easier to blame this child for things like this...look at how a victim of rape is treated in court which forces too, too many of these kinds of crimes left un covered by the victims...

women, MEN, CHILDREN finding help on abuses is such a brand new thing in our nation which means we are all learning how to deal with this and the number one helper is getting those abused to talk about it and learn it is not their fault....YES WE CAN.(SMILE)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

Jen, I really don't know. My uncle who we all called Brother went and whispered something in the man's ear and the man told the bus driver he wanted to get off the bus...the bus driver tried to talk him out of it but the man insisted so he was let off of the bus. It was not until much lter I learned what it was that was done to me so a child could have understood...but those were in the old days when every thing was grown up's business.

I do know one thng I am sure glad my birth mother was not on that bus. My birth mom always had a raxor blad in her mouth and a straight raxor in her bra at all times. In other words my birth mom was the black sheep of he family...I believe now that she to suffered from manic, depression. She was always hoper almost never depressed...she would go skitso on us every now and then but she was shch a good person if you didn't make her angry and she had a trigger temper, my father was just the opposit.(my step father as she and my father was never married.

My father got three women pregnant at the same time and went into the Army.Which means I ended up with three brothers my age all by different women in our little one horse dirt road town..But I had the best life one could ever want to have...When I go back home I get them to going back to having those friday night fish fries at the churck...that is th eplase to go for fried fish, I think the church was a hod away from home for us as teens,

At least the Black churches I go to every now and then are the same as always small not trying to become mega churches around here.Ithey often invite other visiting Black churches to sing do plays and food and dring every where, out side this time of yearas school will be starting soon,often have invited singing Iam going to check who else is going to school(smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

Thanks for your concerned Jake. I am so grateful that I grew up in a world where there was not a member of my family or my friends I could not tell the honest truth to no matter what. yes, my family was all very religious but they also treated others as they wanted to be treated and you name a religion, I believe living so close to such a giant military base, I believe we had where I grew up...even the white only, black only was done locally with respect...it did get out of hand every now and then though. lol (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

Jake, I am so glad I have been able to move on beyond if things go wrong then it is a Bad god...if things go right it is a Good God...like I have a life that I can live on myown and not wait for instructions if I can do what I want to do without being programed on sin/ sinners, right or wrong...in my (and another reason I don't say religion) practice we are in it to WIN over obsticles keeping us from being safe, secure and happy in life or we LOOSE...there is no Reward / Punishments.

I am influenced by my environment and I am glad that you are a part of my environment and you are my equal...it is my choice to call you my friend not a creators as I take full responsibility for the choices I make...if they are wrong as in does not make me happy then I either accept it or reject it and still be grateful to you because I have learned something and learning is how I grow. "I" am th eonly expert on me. (smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

Jen what you just said is my whole point...but there will be someone who will come along and call you a sinneer, for saying what is true to you and the reson given as a norm is you have done something wrong according to what their religion . god ba any name, skin color or gender chosen...

and, I will repeat what I say aoo the time, all religions has a from of saying don't be afraid of death because there is an after life so I just by pass all of the rights, wrongs and agree with science we are all made up of matter and our skin color is due to the needs to survive and another thing about we need Vitam D to live and our bodys can not produce it so those living nearer the equator needed less sunlight as in cancer causings ect and their skin is dark to keep sinout...those in teh north needed more sunlight so their skins mutated to lighter to absorb the sun light thus vitim D so lighter skin, hair and eyes...but then how can someting so peaceful bring about the need for war or treating others like we want to be treated so along comes the GOD (S) and then the mine is better than yours...

HOw many people wonder why they go from religions to religons and not the ones they wer born inito???? why so religions themselves chang so often even the books they teach these religions from????

Why don't people look to where their religions originated from is it more about love or hate and killing and war than anthing else...what about the female not being equal while we talk about how our religions are so good for mankind???? as we say we want justice, for all....PLEASE...hell even a discussion on religions can't be done in peace...am I lying or telling the truth...I never take myself out of my ownlife as being worthy to live myown life because someone told me I was born in sin or some excuse to keep me from loving and respecting my self as i want and need to do...AND DO BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT I CHOOSE TO DO BECAUSE I AM WORTHY OF THIS RESPECT AND LOVE. (SMILE)(smile)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA

"WHEN I DIE I CAN ASK QUESTIONS"...THAT MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS TEACHING A CHILD TO LIE AND FEAR PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN...JEN DID YOU KNOW OUR PRESIDENT ALMOST DID NOT GET ELECTED BECAUSE HE SAID HE WAS A CHRISTIAN A CHRISTIAN BUT AS REVEND GRAHAM SAID NOT LONG AGO OUR PRESIDENT WOULD NOT HAVE HAD THOSE PROBLEMS IF HE HAD GONE TO HIS 'WHITE' CHURCH BECAUSE BLACK CHURCH DON'T TEACH THE WORDS OF GOD...NOW WHAT WAS THET ABOUT GOD BEING A SPIRIT IN THISLIFE TIME OR IS THIS MORE OF HAVING THE ANSEWER SO I WILL GO TO HELL IF I QUESTION THIS MINISTER ABOUT BLACK CHRISTIANS...JEN YOU ARE A BLACK CHRISTIAN AREN'T YOU????

I HOPE YOU CAN SEE WHERE I AM COMING FROM ON THIS OUT LOOK AND BEING ABLE TO DISCUSS RELIGION...I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU AND SOMEONE LIKE MICHELLE BACHMANN DISCUSSING THE CHRISTIAN BIBLE SINCE SHE IS A CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE LIKE YOU ARE JEN. (ROTFLMAO) (SMILE)
Thursday, April 10th 2014 at 6:47PM
ROBINSON IRMA