By John H. Sklare, Ed.D,Lifescript Personal Coach
According to eDivorcePapers.com, January has the most divorces of any month of the year. So, let's talk a little about this heartbreaking and emotional reality.
I often hear people easily and adamantly say things like, “If my spouse was unfaithful, I would leave them in a heartbeat.” When I hear that, I think about how easy it is to judge from the comfortable position of a solid and loving relationship. However, when it’s your relationship that’s teetering on the brink, it isn’t always so easy to just walk away.
When I was in private practice, I worked with many people who found themselves in this exact situation. I also heard a lot of commonality in the rationale people gave for not giving up and dissolving their marriage. Here are some of the top reasons people choose to stay married and try to work things out, even after their spouse has betrayed them.
1. Fear of the Unknown
For some, this is a powerful motivational force. They would rather stay in something they know – even though it’s bad – than risk being in something unfamiliar and undefined. They fear the unknown could be worse. The tormenting question here is: “Will I really be happier if I leave?”
2. The Shame of Failure
To be viewed as a failure is unthinkable for some. As a result, they stay in bad relationships to avoid what they view as the stigma of divorce. This is particularly true when the people you respect the most – such as friends and family – don’t support your leaving. The tormenting question here is: “Will I be respected if I leave?”
3. For the Sake of the Children
Many people stay in bad marriages because they fear a divorce will harm their children. Although it’s best for children to be with two loving parents, sometimes it’s truly better if two miserable parents part ways. This is particularly important if there is extreme anger or violence between the spouses. The tormenting question here is: “Will my children be all right if I leave?”
4. Ending Up Alone
I heard this often, especially from women. They fear never finding someone again, and the thought of spending life alone cripples them into staying, trying to make the most of a bad situation. The tormenting question here is: “Will I ever find someone else if I leave?”
5. Leaving Is Too Difficult
Divorce is simply too overwhelming and monumental for some to even consider seriously. This is particularly true if you don’t work outside the home and are economically dependent on your spouse. The tormenting question here is: “Do I have the emotional strength and financial resources to leave?”
When all is said and done, each situation is different, and each person must choose the path that makes the most sense for them. I’m a firm believer in honestly trying to work things out before you divorce, especially when innocent children are involved.
Because January is when divorce is considered and acted on the most, please consider talking to a therapist or someone from your local place of worship before you act. You’d be amazed at what can happen when you take your time, step back emotionally and look at the bigger picture.
I also recommend including some professional and unbiased feedback before you make your final decision.
Determining what’s best for you brings to mind that famous speech from Shakespeare’s play “Hamlet:”
To be, or not to be: That is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?
For our purposes here, however, the dilemma is: To leave or not to leave. That is the question!
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Posted By: Jen Fad
Monday, February 17th 2014 at 12:19PM
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