When I first put the finishing touches on my book, "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman," I was very excited. I grabbed a copy of Writers' Market 2003 and began contacting agents. I joined a few white groups for writers and attended a few book events. Then I met another black author who asked if I had edited my book. (Note: the original title did not include the word "Bipolar." God asked me to reveal my mental illness in 2006 and it took several months for me to be obedient. We'll talk about that one day. Smile.)"
"Yes." I replied excitedly. I was confident I was ready to sell, sell, sell. I was also learning. "No, have you had your work edited by someone else?" the author asked. "No." I answered. Before I knew it, I was forking over a couple of hundred dollars to have it edited by him. He really was good, too. Then he told me to skip the Writers' Market and let him publish my work for me.
That seemed like the best way to get my work on the bookshelves and I was getting weary with the rejections and no-response-at-all's I was receiving. There were also the very expensive solicitations from publishers willing to take over the book at my cost.
Fastforward $1,500 dollars later, I sat on my living room floor crying and frustrated at what my finihsed product looked like. Now, I'm very spiritual and I believe that God gave me a purpose to fulfill to give Him all the glory. Thus, the more I advanced with self-publishing, the more I became consciously aware that I wanted it to be very pleasing to God. Of course, that meant the ms. hovered in limbo. I hate to say this, but I finally tossed the ms. aside and moved on.
The funny thing is, as a writer, that was not good enough. That ms. would not let me sleep or enjoy a satisfying meal. It whispered to me in all forms until I had to pick it back up and dust it off. I began praying more for wisdom, discernment, and guidance. God met my writing needs.
So, here I am just days away from seeing my book proof and I have butterflies that won't let up. I keep going over in my mind questioning if I made the write selections for the book. I keep worrying about the selections I did choose. I keep asking myself if my message is clear. The funny thing at this stage is that God won't tell me or show me! He won't even stop the butterflies that have taken up residency in my stomach. I am wondering, is this normal? Should I be confident and secure and ignore the butterflies? I feel like this is the last rehearsal before the ms. is delivered to the printer. At what point does a writer become totally satisfied with the work and allows it to take its natural course of printing?
Now, my God-mother/Aunt would tell me that God is silent so I can trust Him and walk in faith. Therefore, I am NOT calling her! I want to know what you all think is going on between God, me, and all this anxiety I am experiencing.
Today, I wish the butterflies would ease up or flitter into disappearance.
Agnes ~ Too Wise Not To Praise Him!
Author of "Cooling Well Water: A Collection of Work By An African-American Bipolar Woman" ISBN 0975461206 Winter Release Pending -
www.myspace.com/coolingwellwater
Posted By: agnes levine
Friday, September 12th 2008 at 8:42AM
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