Today I feel like I am running on fumes. My cup is empty, when it should be "running over".
I have helped, to the best of my ability, those I have come in contact with these last few weeks. Then this morning, I was incapable of helping when I was needed. Appologies were refused, hugs-shrugged off, no eye contact, no words, no evidence that I had done anything of any good, ever.
My cup was spilled out on the floor. It hurt!
Daddy said, "if it is in your hand to do, then do it, as unto the Lord." (paraphrased) So, why then, when it isn't in my hand to do NOW, but will be in....say 15-20 minutes... I am regarded as a fake, player, fool, and not worth the dirt I was made of?
I am of God, but I am NOT God! I am filled with the spirit, but I am not THAT spirit. I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me, but I am only made strong through my own weakness.
Today I am the statue. Standing strong in the sight of any bird. Incapable of being moved when I get SH** on. I feel cold, and appear to be unfased, but inside I hurt.
I am not upset that this person is disappointed in me. I am upset that I wasn't able to help, just because I wanted to. I am only one person, though it sometimes seems that I have made myself to be everything to everyone. When my true self is shown, that I can only do what I can do, that I can only go where I am sent, that I can only give what I have, no more, no less, then am I flawed and of no real benefit?
If another trips, and I am there to witness it, I do my best to help them back on their feet again, and we walk together for a time. If I should fall in helping, or resist the temptation to carry the other person, I hope the same would be given, but soo often it's not. Daddy says, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.
I must not allow my flesh to do (him/her) the way they have done me. God would not be pleased. It is hard, though, when I am empty, to fill my cup with wrath, and dump it upon those who hurt me. It would be an easy thing to do, but the consequences of such a simple act, could knock me back to the beginning, or worse.
Daddy, I have to stand on your word and promise, that you haven't brought me this far to leave me, and no matter how alone I may feel in this life, you are still there with me.
Thanks to all here who have allowed me to vent. Pain in my heart is suffocating my joy. Can I get a praise report, some good news, a birth or something? Please? Anyone?
Posted By: Lesley Knight
Thursday, October 9th 2008 at 12:35PM
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