A QUESTION TO BLACKMEN/FATHERS
Peace To All,
The following is a reply to an email but I will post it here because of the subject matter.
Shadonna King wrote (Fri Jul 10th, 2009 at 12:09PM) Hey Girl, what's on your mind today?
Siebra Muhammad wrote (Fri Jul 10th, 2009 at 12:51PM):
I was listening to the radio this morning when I was driving to work. Help me understand something here. What would make a Blackman/father turn against having a relationship with your child/children because of your dislike for the mother? There are still child/children your flesh and blood involved that you produced that won't stay little for long. What answers will you give them when they get older, why can't you put your dislike for the mothers aside and do what is best for the child/children? After all they are of your flesh and blood!
Shadonna King wrote (Thu Jul 9th, 2009 at 1:35PM):
Yeah, many black men have nothing to do with their children, and/or dislike their children, because they view the child and the mother, as a composite figure, a package if you will. Much of this is due to ignorance, selfishness and outright stupidity, whereas some of it is due to some in the culture who insist that the child belongs more so to the mother, than it does the father, seeing as how the mother carries the child for 9 months, etc.
If you combine this with a community that has an over abundance of women having children out of wedlock, where you now have black men who were raised under such a paradigm, generationally, for the last 40 years-then you will have an increase in the type of behavior you now condemn.
I feel there are many ways to combat this, least of which, is to instruct black men from an early age, that they as men, and/or fathers, are just as important in the holistic completion and raising of their seed, as the mothers are, and that they aren't outsiders looking in, but are very much apart of the inner circle when it comes to family and procreation, despite what others may say, or would want to believe. This way, they won't feel like second class parents, and will feel as if they are indeed relevant. Black women who are single mothers of young black men ought to stress this as well, not just other black men, or black men and black women on missions to save the black family.
And when black single mothers instruct their sons about the relevancy of their being fathers to their children, it shouldn't always come from the standpoint of the black woman needing the black man's help in raising the child, per se (because at times, this can suggest that the man's role is only to assist the mother with child rearing of the seed, as oppose to having an equal role of preeminence), but from the standpoint of highlighting traits, and distinct nuances that fathers holistically possess as men, that would equally make them necessary ingredients within their own children's lives, besides the mothers.
In addition, it would help if the mothers wouldn't demonize the fathers in front of the children. Don't get me wrong, there are certain men that may need to be demonized, for they are truly demonic, HOWEVER, it can go too far, especially if the man's a good father, and is a loving father. If your thing with the father JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT-then don't transfer that anger, and hurt over to the child, where it may affect that child's relationship with their father! I've seen women demonize okay guys that didn't work out for them, leaving you with the impression that the man was Satan himself, and that their evil would somehow spill over into them not being good parents to their children, whereas these same women will get with ne'er do well negroes, who have no prospects, and will probably never be there for the children they produce with these women-and will come to the aid and rescue of these men's reputations. You go figure.
Simply put, learn to properly categorize your relationship with the father, and realize that your relationship with the father, isn't necessarily the child's relationship with the father-or shouldn't be. In other words, DON'T INTENTIONALLY FEEL COMPETITIVE WITH THE FATHER, BY PITTING CHILD AGAINST FATHER, SO AS TO MAINTAIN "loyalty", WHICH IS NOTHING MORE THAN MANIPULATION.
Lastly, more black men need to be in the homes where their children are being raised, which overlaps into other areas of discussion concerning black male/female relationships (which is something I'm tired of addressing, to where I'm coming to the point of saying "PHUGG IT!), but I will say that if the fathers aren't in the home, then they ought to be in the lives of their children, showing positive examples, and giving proper guidance. And on the same token, as a last alternative, those black men who aren't there ought to be severely shamed and ridiculed, especially if there are no barriers blocking them from the seeds they produce. These types of men, really are the worst, and really don't deserve any love.
I can say more, but that's my short take...Peace
Siebra Muhammad wrote (Thu Jul 9th, 2009 at 2:27PM):
MY NAME IS SIEBRA AND I APPROVE THAT MESSAGE!!!
The following is a reply to an email but I will post it here because of the subject matter.
Shadonna King wrote (Fri Jul 10th, 2009 at 12:09PM) Hey Girl, what's on your mind today?
Siebra Muhammad wrote (Fri Jul 10th, 2009 at 12:51PM):
I was listening to the radio this morning when I was driving to work. Help me understand something here. What would make a Blackman/father turn against having a relationship with your child/children because of your dislike for the mother? There are still child/children your flesh and blood involved that you produced that won't stay little for long. What answers will you give them when they get older, why can't you put your dislike for the mothers aside and do what is best for the child/children? After all they are of your flesh and blood!
Shadonna King wrote (Thu Jul 9th, 2009 at 1:35PM):
Yeah, many black men have nothing to do with their children, and/or dislike their children, because they view the child and the mother, as a composite figure, a package if you will. Much of this is due to ignorance, selfishness and outright stupidity, whereas some of it is due to some in the culture who insist that the child belongs more so to the mother, than it does the father, seeing as how the mother carries the child for 9 months, etc.
If you combine this with a community that has an over abundance of women having children out of wedlock, where you now have black men who were raised under such a paradigm, generationally, for the last 40 years-then you will have an increase in the type of behavior you now condemn.
I feel there are many ways to combat this, least of which, is to instruct black men from an early age, that they as men, and/or fathers, are just as important in the holistic completion and raising of their seed, as the mothers are, and that they aren't outsiders looking in, but are very much apart of the inner circle when it comes to family and procreation, despite what others may say, or would want to believe. This way, they won't feel like second class parents, and will feel as if they are indeed relevant. Black women who are single mothers of young black men ought to stress this as well, not just other black men, or black men and black women on missions to save the black family.
And when black single mothers instruct their sons about the relevancy of their being fathers to their children, it shouldn't always come from the standpoint of the black woman needing the black man's help in raising the child, per se (because at times, this can suggest that the man's role is only to assist the mother with child rearing of the seed, as oppose to having an equal role of preeminence), but from the standpoint of highlighting traits, and distinct nuances that fathers holistically possess as men, that would equally make them necessary ingredients within their own children's lives, besides the mothers.
In addition, it would help if the mothers wouldn't demonize the fathers in front of the children. Don't get me wrong, there are certain men that may need to be demonized, for they are truly demonic, HOWEVER, it can go too far, especially if the man's a good father, and is a loving father. If your thing with the father JUST DIDN'T WORK OUT-then don't transfer that anger, and hurt over to the child, where it may affect that child's relationship with their father! I've seen women demonize okay guys that didn't work out for them, leaving you with the impression that the man was Satan himself, and that their evil would somehow spill over into them not being good parents to their children, whereas these same women will get with ne'er do well negroes, who have no prospects, and will probably never be there for the children they produce with these women-and will come to the aid and rescue of these men's reputations. You go figure.
Simply put, learn to properly categorize your relationship with the father, and realize that your relationship with the father, isn't necessarily the child's relationship with the father-or shouldn't be. In other words, DON'T INTENTIONALLY FEEL COMPETITIVE WITH THE FATHER, BY PITTING CHILD AGAINST FATHER, SO AS TO MAINTAIN "loyalty", WHICH IS NOTHING MORE THAN MANIPULATION.
Lastly, more black men need to be in the homes where their children are being raised, which overlaps into other areas of discussion concerning black male/female relationships (which is something I'm tired of addressing, to where I'm coming to the point of saying "PHUGG IT!), but I will say that if the fathers aren't in the home, then they ought to be in the lives of their children, showing positive examples, and giving proper guidance. And on the same token, as a last alternative, those black men who aren't there ought to be severely shamed and ridiculed, especially if there are no barriers blocking them from the seeds they produce. These types of men, really are the worst, and really don't deserve any love.
I can say more, but that's my short take...Peace
Siebra Muhammad wrote (Thu Jul 9th, 2009 at 2:27PM):
MY NAME IS SIEBRA AND I APPROVE THAT MESSAGE!!!
What's interesting about this is that it's focused on single parenthood as a racial issue when it is not. White men neglect, disown and abandon their children, too. So do men of other races. Deadbeat father-ism is not restricted to the black man. Every race and ethnicity has them. So, in my opinion, it's stereotypical to put the entire burden of single motherhood on the shoulders of black men.
As women, we have culpability, too, but that's for another blog.
Anyway, I hate to say it, but I've seen a lot more abandoned children than I'd like to see. At the same time though, I also see a lot of fathers stepping up to the plate to care for their children. I see even more who have enough baby mama to penetrate several families. Again, that's for another blog.
I'd say if I was going to try to balance it based on my own experience and what I actually see and hear from day to day, more fathers are taking care of their children than not. And mind you, this is just my own personal view. Statistics probably say or suggest something vastly different and it's probably true that the scale leans more to abandonment that it does to care, but from where I sit these days, I'm happy to report otherwise.
Blessings...