The Art of Keeping People Out of Your Relationship { Sounds Familiar People ? }
By Briana Myricks | on April 9th, 2013
Black and Married With Kids.com
A Positive Image of Marriage and Family
I have been married for almost two years, and one of the biggest struggles throughout my relationship has been keeping people out of it. This is a flaw that I completely own up to. It’s one that has caused more than its fair share of problems in my marriage. From friends and family to the people of the blogosphere, I have put up a glass window into my marriage as opposed to a stone wall.
Granted, I still don’t believe that 100% of everything should just be kept between you and your spouse. A lot of people fail to realize that marriage is more than just between two people. When you marry your significant other, you marry their family and their friends. Depending on the relationship, the strength of your marriage could very well affect other parties. If there’s someone who looks up to your marriage, the way you handle things can affect their view of how a marriage is, such as your children. If there are sick parents and you help out, it could affect them too.
My attempt to balance this, however, has not been perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I want to share them with you so that you don’t make the same mistakes I have.
Keep People On a Need-to-Know Basis
When people ask you how your spouse is or how your marriage is going, do not take this as the opportunity to air all your dirty laundry. Those questions are not an open door for a husband-bashing session or a rant about the wife. If there are problems going on that you want to bounce ideas off of, it’s best to talk to a professional, not just anybody.
Friends and family mean well (most of the time), but they all come with their biases. Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve forgiven your spouse for something you did, but someone you told held on to it forever? Prevent that from happening by keeping the conversation light. The old saying is true; if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. That doesn’t mean you have to be fake, but you certainly don’t have to tell people how fed up you are that your wife doesn’t cook or your husband doesn’t clean. If it’s not life-threatening, show some restraint with the details.
Have a Social Sharing Policy
We live in a time where social media is a big part of life, and sharing is encouraged. But there’s definitely such a thing as oversharing. Tweeting your frustrations is a big no-no. Changing your status on Facebook from “married” to “it’s complicated” every other month is simply begging for trouble. When I got engaged, I started a blog thinking it would be harmless to document my journey on becoming a married woman. But because I didn’t clear it with my husband, it became an issue at times.
Work out a social sharing policy between you and your spouse. What’s fair game and what’s not okay? Are you two comfortable with being friends on Facebook? Are there certain Instagram photos you’d prefer your significant other to avoid liking? If you start a blog, what are some off-limit topics you can discuss? This policy will be different for each couple, so find something that works for the both of you.
Keep the Lines of Communication Between the Two of You Open
When it first came to my attention that my husband was upset that people were in our relationship, I tried to justify it by saying that we didn’t communicate with each other so I had to communicate with someone. It’s not a good enough excuse, but it does hold some weight. A lot of women are naturally communicators. We want to talk, we want to express, we want to engage. A lot of men are the opposite. They need some down time, they’re not big on the details of the day, they need some quiet.
Find a way to communicate with each other so that little things don’t grow into big things. Communication is so huge between couples, and it is a need that absolutely needs to be filled. When you confide in each other, there really is no need to confide in someone else.
Choose Wisely
At the end of the day, we all must realize the hard facts: not everyone is rooting for your marriage to survive. Some people will try to pry information out of you and convince you that small issues are big and that deal breakers are okay. When I say choose wisely, I mean your close circle, and your battles.
If your spouse isn’t comfortable with your choice of friends, it’s definitely worth discussing. If you’re uneasy about the amount of time your spouse is spending either at work or with certain family members talk about it. And of course, choose your battles. Are you really going to make a fight about whether or not you’re your husband’s background on his phone? (I’ve done this, don’t do this).
I say all of this to say that your marriage is sacred, and should be treated as such. Just as you wouldn’t let just anybody see your body or know your secrets, you shouldn’t let just anybody have a say in your relationship. Work on making it about each other, not me, you, your mama and your cousin too.
What tips do you have for keeping people out of your relationship? Have you ever experienced this in the past?
About the author
Briana Myricks is a 20 something Social Media Specialist, and blogs at How’s Married Life.
Black and Married With Kids.com
A Positive Image of Marriage and Family
I have been married for almost two years, and one of the biggest struggles throughout my relationship has been keeping people out of it. This is a flaw that I completely own up to. It’s one that has caused more than its fair share of problems in my marriage. From friends and family to the people of the blogosphere, I have put up a glass window into my marriage as opposed to a stone wall.
Granted, I still don’t believe that 100% of everything should just be kept between you and your spouse. A lot of people fail to realize that marriage is more than just between two people. When you marry your significant other, you marry their family and their friends. Depending on the relationship, the strength of your marriage could very well affect other parties. If there’s someone who looks up to your marriage, the way you handle things can affect their view of how a marriage is, such as your children. If there are sick parents and you help out, it could affect them too.
My attempt to balance this, however, has not been perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I want to share them with you so that you don’t make the same mistakes I have.
Keep People On a Need-to-Know Basis
When people ask you how your spouse is or how your marriage is going, do not take this as the opportunity to air all your dirty laundry. Those questions are not an open door for a husband-bashing session or a rant about the wife. If there are problems going on that you want to bounce ideas off of, it’s best to talk to a professional, not just anybody.
Friends and family mean well (most of the time), but they all come with their biases. Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve forgiven your spouse for something you did, but someone you told held on to it forever? Prevent that from happening by keeping the conversation light. The old saying is true; if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. That doesn’t mean you have to be fake, but you certainly don’t have to tell people how fed up you are that your wife doesn’t cook or your husband doesn’t clean. If it’s not life-threatening, show some restraint with the details.
Have a Social Sharing Policy
We live in a time where social media is a big part of life, and sharing is encouraged. But there’s definitely such a thing as oversharing. Tweeting your frustrations is a big no-no. Changing your status on Facebook from “married” to “it’s complicated” every other month is simply begging for trouble. When I got engaged, I started a blog thinking it would be harmless to document my journey on becoming a married woman. But because I didn’t clear it with my husband, it became an issue at times.
Work out a social sharing policy between you and your spouse. What’s fair game and what’s not okay? Are you two comfortable with being friends on Facebook? Are there certain Instagram photos you’d prefer your significant other to avoid liking? If you start a blog, what are some off-limit topics you can discuss? This policy will be different for each couple, so find something that works for the both of you.
Keep the Lines of Communication Between the Two of You Open
When it first came to my attention that my husband was upset that people were in our relationship, I tried to justify it by saying that we didn’t communicate with each other so I had to communicate with someone. It’s not a good enough excuse, but it does hold some weight. A lot of women are naturally communicators. We want to talk, we want to express, we want to engage. A lot of men are the opposite. They need some down time, they’re not big on the details of the day, they need some quiet.
Find a way to communicate with each other so that little things don’t grow into big things. Communication is so huge between couples, and it is a need that absolutely needs to be filled. When you confide in each other, there really is no need to confide in someone else.
Choose Wisely
At the end of the day, we all must realize the hard facts: not everyone is rooting for your marriage to survive. Some people will try to pry information out of you and convince you that small issues are big and that deal breakers are okay. When I say choose wisely, I mean your close circle, and your battles.
If your spouse isn’t comfortable with your choice of friends, it’s definitely worth discussing. If you’re uneasy about the amount of time your spouse is spending either at work or with certain family members talk about it. And of course, choose your battles. Are you really going to make a fight about whether or not you’re your husband’s background on his phone? (I’ve done this, don’t do this).
I say all of this to say that your marriage is sacred, and should be treated as such. Just as you wouldn’t let just anybody see your body or know your secrets, you shouldn’t let just anybody have a say in your relationship. Work on making it about each other, not me, you, your mama and your cousin too.
What tips do you have for keeping people out of your relationship? Have you ever experienced this in the past?
About the author
Briana Myricks is a 20 something Social Media Specialist, and blogs at How’s Married Life.
"...A lot of people fail to realize that marriage is more than just between two people. When you marry your significant other, you marry their family and their friends. ..."
This can't be any more factual than when you marry an African or Indian man. The who kit and kaboodle comes along with you in the marriage! When there are problems that you can't work out on your own, you are expected to seek out the help of the elders. This is how most West African (not sure what is done in other parts of the Continent because its HUGE) marriages stay together because there is a massive social network of wellwishers that want your marriage to stick like superglue since divorce is taboo (at least it used to be) in West Afican homes. Those who divorce especially women are frowned upon. It's a serious deal so infidelity, abuses, and other things are tolerated more so by the women than they are the men if you happen to live in West Africa in particular Nigeria. Women usually don't leave a marriage because its expected that she''ll leave the home and she can't take her kids because the man has all the rights and priviledges.
Men tend to re-marry and have more children and many ex-wives know to well how the new wife may or may not treat her children. It's not the case in every situation, but it happens even here.
One has to really be a strong spirit to endure although men tend not to expect the same type of treatment when marrying someone outside of their own culture.
Back on the blog though...
I really don't think its necessary to have a professional counselor, but rather a trusted girlfriend that you know has your back to bounce things off of. It's good for the soul to have a good laugh or to vent when our men are driving us up the wall. I found that this helps me to keep my sanity. Very rarely will you see me speak any ill thing or share any really personal stuff on social media that I wouldn't be comfortable sharing with my husband about. I do add that my husband is very private and told me that absolutely NO piks of him and our son on the social media sites! Well what he doesn't know can't hurt him is what I say. ((wink-wink)) I did share one pik with this mom group of me and my little on an outing.