Black Women, Choose Wisely. Who are YOU Booking to be Your Baby's Daddy?
I read a very thoroughly written blog about at least a couple of different issues, one admonishing black men to stop making babies and leaving them. My response to that was the following and I decided to post it as a separate blog and to add to it because this can sometimes become a taboo subject when women are called to the carpet for the role we play in all this dysfunction:
The BLACK WOMAN is just as responsible for what happens to her as the black man. I say that because, yes, some black men laid up with some black women, but black men weren't there by themselves.
If we, as black women, would think more of OURSELVES than what we can physically offer someone, we, perhaps, would not be in this pridictament. I blame US more because at the beginning and end of each day, WE are the ones who must carry that seed and nurture that seed from embryo to human being, ready to enter the world in 38-42 weeks.
In other words, as black WOMEN, we should absolutely discriminate! We should get to know through slow, careful observation and experience about a person's character before we involve ourselves to the point of pregnancy (or even s*x at all). We should require more of ourselves and from guys who are quick to treat us like nothing because we ALLOW it. We, too, know how babies are made and there are too many modes of contraception out there to "accidentally" get pregnant. Then, too, there's the problem of us making babies because we think it'll keep him around. Aside from that, I'm somewhat willing to give black men SOME benefit of a doubt. It's not always about him WALKING AWAY. Sometimes, it's about him being KEPT AWAY because he was not more selective about who HE chose to be his baby's mama.
That brings me to my next point. Black women (and women period)...STOP USING BABIES AS WEAPONS. Children are NOT responsible for what is wrong with the man/woman boy/girl that produced them. It didn't work out between you and him. So WHAT? Does that have to mean that he won't be a good father because a prerequisite for being a good father is being with YOU? I've seen so many men fight to maintain contact with their children just to have them dangled like apples by the black woman who claims to have their best interest at heart. Seriously, many DO leave, but SOME desire to and fight to stay in their children's lives. The sooner we realize that just because he's not husband or boyfriend material doesn't mean he's not father material, the better. (And sometimes, it's that WE'RE the ones who are not the ideal material).
The older generations need to counsel younger generations like my grandmother (and frankly, my mother...VERY much) did me. We need to be trained and re-trained that our priority is to make something of ourselves and to strive to get educated and get out there and make it happen for ourselves...in Jesus' Name. WE need to stand on our feets, graduate high school, attend and graduate college...we need to have, set and accomplish goals that place us in higher life echelons, so that God forbid, if something goes amuck and that guy doesn't stick around, WE really CAN hold it down without him. (The hope is that once we become so focused on what we need to accomplish for ourselves, we won't be so focused on the horizontal mambo and/or how men define our worth. The hope is that we go foward with life and with the mindset that the only one using us with our permission is GOD).
Black men are dead wrong for leaving their babies behind...ABSOLUTELY. However, the responsibility is a SHARED one. As women, we need to have standards and we need to NOT apologize for them.
Again, great points. I look forward to reading you in the future.
Blessings...
(End of my response to another blog).
Now, I want to bring particular focus back to the older generations. My mother hung under her grandmother a great deal as a child. My grandmother hung under her mother a great deal. My great-grandmother died before I could meet her, but I can only imagine that she was four times the woman my grandmother was, three times the woman my mother was and two times the woman that I am. (I go in descending chronology because it has only gotten better with each generation, which is what our parents and grandparents want for us more than anything).
My grandmother, my mother and me were all just intertwined. I gained so much knowledge and wisdom from them and I'm passing it on. My grandmother died a few years ago, but not before my elder daughter could form a bond and stick under her for some years first. She still remembers her great-granny, and right now, she's in Texas visiting her grandma (and grandpa) and soaking up all she can.
If any woman in my family wanted to know the correct and prudent course of action to take, she'd go to my grandmother because she was the matriarch AND the only living one of her generation to really GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT, even if it hurt your feelings. Now, my mother is that person. She's taken those reigns.
Together, we've planted seeds in my elder daughter EARLY. Since she was four years old, she's wanted to be a pediatrician. And you know what? She's 13 now...and has NOT changed her mind about that. Now, it's not something different-- it's just a particular field. As of about two years ago, she wants to be a pediatric oncologist. And I keep telling her she can be that. The focus is not boys and so far, she's not allowing anyone to define who she is and is becoming. She's taking what we're constantly pouring into her and she's running with it. Her biological father is not in her life, no, but not because I kept him away. No, he has stayed away on his own. God has given her "Daddy" though. My husband immediately took her as his and will fight you if you try and suggest she's not.
Anyway, I said all of that to say THIS: Seek God to help you define who you are. Love Him first. That love will teach you how to love yourself. And it will teach you how to love and recognize real love in other people, be it relationships, friendships, parental matters or other family matters.
Also, stick under the old ladies as much as possible. There is an 87 year old woman in my church whom I love to be around. We don't spend a lot of time together because we don't live in the same vicinity, but whenever I'm around her, I get SOMETHING of her wisdom. Sticking under the old ladies will do you some good and TEACH you some things.
Blessings...
-Faith...have some.
The BLACK WOMAN is just as responsible for what happens to her as the black man. I say that because, yes, some black men laid up with some black women, but black men weren't there by themselves.
If we, as black women, would think more of OURSELVES than what we can physically offer someone, we, perhaps, would not be in this pridictament. I blame US more because at the beginning and end of each day, WE are the ones who must carry that seed and nurture that seed from embryo to human being, ready to enter the world in 38-42 weeks.
In other words, as black WOMEN, we should absolutely discriminate! We should get to know through slow, careful observation and experience about a person's character before we involve ourselves to the point of pregnancy (or even s*x at all). We should require more of ourselves and from guys who are quick to treat us like nothing because we ALLOW it. We, too, know how babies are made and there are too many modes of contraception out there to "accidentally" get pregnant. Then, too, there's the problem of us making babies because we think it'll keep him around. Aside from that, I'm somewhat willing to give black men SOME benefit of a doubt. It's not always about him WALKING AWAY. Sometimes, it's about him being KEPT AWAY because he was not more selective about who HE chose to be his baby's mama.
That brings me to my next point. Black women (and women period)...STOP USING BABIES AS WEAPONS. Children are NOT responsible for what is wrong with the man/woman boy/girl that produced them. It didn't work out between you and him. So WHAT? Does that have to mean that he won't be a good father because a prerequisite for being a good father is being with YOU? I've seen so many men fight to maintain contact with their children just to have them dangled like apples by the black woman who claims to have their best interest at heart. Seriously, many DO leave, but SOME desire to and fight to stay in their children's lives. The sooner we realize that just because he's not husband or boyfriend material doesn't mean he's not father material, the better. (And sometimes, it's that WE'RE the ones who are not the ideal material).
The older generations need to counsel younger generations like my grandmother (and frankly, my mother...VERY much) did me. We need to be trained and re-trained that our priority is to make something of ourselves and to strive to get educated and get out there and make it happen for ourselves...in Jesus' Name. WE need to stand on our feets, graduate high school, attend and graduate college...we need to have, set and accomplish goals that place us in higher life echelons, so that God forbid, if something goes amuck and that guy doesn't stick around, WE really CAN hold it down without him. (The hope is that once we become so focused on what we need to accomplish for ourselves, we won't be so focused on the horizontal mambo and/or how men define our worth. The hope is that we go foward with life and with the mindset that the only one using us with our permission is GOD).
Black men are dead wrong for leaving their babies behind...ABSOLUTELY. However, the responsibility is a SHARED one. As women, we need to have standards and we need to NOT apologize for them.
Again, great points. I look forward to reading you in the future.
Blessings...
(End of my response to another blog).
Now, I want to bring particular focus back to the older generations. My mother hung under her grandmother a great deal as a child. My grandmother hung under her mother a great deal. My great-grandmother died before I could meet her, but I can only imagine that she was four times the woman my grandmother was, three times the woman my mother was and two times the woman that I am. (I go in descending chronology because it has only gotten better with each generation, which is what our parents and grandparents want for us more than anything).
My grandmother, my mother and me were all just intertwined. I gained so much knowledge and wisdom from them and I'm passing it on. My grandmother died a few years ago, but not before my elder daughter could form a bond and stick under her for some years first. She still remembers her great-granny, and right now, she's in Texas visiting her grandma (and grandpa) and soaking up all she can.
If any woman in my family wanted to know the correct and prudent course of action to take, she'd go to my grandmother because she was the matriarch AND the only living one of her generation to really GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT, even if it hurt your feelings. Now, my mother is that person. She's taken those reigns.
Together, we've planted seeds in my elder daughter EARLY. Since she was four years old, she's wanted to be a pediatrician. And you know what? She's 13 now...and has NOT changed her mind about that. Now, it's not something different-- it's just a particular field. As of about two years ago, she wants to be a pediatric oncologist. And I keep telling her she can be that. The focus is not boys and so far, she's not allowing anyone to define who she is and is becoming. She's taking what we're constantly pouring into her and she's running with it. Her biological father is not in her life, no, but not because I kept him away. No, he has stayed away on his own. God has given her "Daddy" though. My husband immediately took her as his and will fight you if you try and suggest she's not.
Anyway, I said all of that to say THIS: Seek God to help you define who you are. Love Him first. That love will teach you how to love yourself. And it will teach you how to love and recognize real love in other people, be it relationships, friendships, parental matters or other family matters.
Also, stick under the old ladies as much as possible. There is an 87 year old woman in my church whom I love to be around. We don't spend a lot of time together because we don't live in the same vicinity, but whenever I'm around her, I get SOMETHING of her wisdom. Sticking under the old ladies will do you some good and TEACH you some things.
Blessings...
-Faith...have some.
Great post and I agree with much of your commentary. But I'm not willing to defend grown men or women in this situation. It's the children we need to defend. I agree that women bear half of the responsibility for getting pregnant, so they both need to bare the responsibility of loving that child. No child is a mistake, but grown folks decide when they come into this world by their behavior. This side of heaven, men should not let anyone, not the mother or his financial situation keep him from loving his childlren. Women do play games, but they can't keep men from loving their children, even if fathers have to go get help from the justice system. Right now mothers are there. Too many fathers are not. There is no excuse. It's the children that are the sufferers of this travesty. Again, we must choose in this problem, whether to defend the men and women or their children. We as a culture continue to excuse those who handicap and injure these babies. We need to stop!